I went for an op recently to remove ma tonsilitis. Apparently, e enlarged tonsils were causing me to have mild sleep apnea. Alhamdulillah, wif e removal, I can feel e difference.
After e op, I couldn't eat. I was suppose to go on soft diet. Talking was painful, what else swallowing!!.. That period lah.. when u can hear me talking so softly, and ma mouth's not munching 24/7.. And.. I wasn't allowed to smoke as it'd hurt e throat.. and slow down e healing process.. Before I went for e op. I was telling ma gf, Naz.. "How to survive sia... cannot smoke!!" But, of course.. I managed to pull it thru.. and finally I thot I could quit smoking.
Before this, it never came across ma mind how I shall quit smoking. I know.. in e long run, I will.. but not just yet. Whenever someone talks to me abt quitting.. I'd just turn a deaf ear..
Going thru e recovery period, no matter how painful it was then, I felt like it was a blessing in disguise. I was thinking... In no time... I'd be a non smoker.. I was even mad when ma bros started smoking in the house.. asking them to smoke in e room or kitchen where I wasn't near. Well.. not because of e temptation.. but e smoke was really irritating ma throat.
After being cooped up at home for a week, I had to go for e review at e hosp. 1 week, no smoking at all. And I realised, my blood pressure was fine.. And I was sleeping much better.. So for a gd cause.. I shld be quitting. At this point, ma throat was already healing. Tho difficult, I switched back to e normal diet. I took slightly more time as chewing was still aching ma throat.
When I was heading to the mrt station, I passed by e shop wic I normally buy ma ciggies from. Si gatal ni.. pegi lah beli.. Thinking that.. I won't be able to finish that pack anyway. True enuf. after e first puff... "Tak sedapnya!!" And a funny thot came, why did I start smoking in e first place? :) I didn't throw e pack straightaway. Duit per.. I thot I'd just finish e pack and not buy anymore. I usually smoke 6-10 sticks per day. But at that period.. I took more than 4days to finish that 1 pack. That was not it. I went to buy e 2nd pack. I was smoking less than half a stick and threw it away. Because it didn't taste 'nice' anymore. Why? I dunnoe..
And now, I'm at e 3rd pack after e surgery. Am I that addictive?? And now, after these few days of smoking.. I can feel ma heart palpitating after each cig. Of course it's doing more damage to my lungs.. n not to mention worsening ma high blood pressure. But then, that didn't stop me from lighting the next cig. And in the past 12hrs, I just smoked 10sticks.. :(
How e hell do I stop maself from damaging ME??!!
AIYOH!!!!!!
I even reaffirmed to maself.. I am quitting e ciggies.. that I didn't put aside e expenses for em.. n I was telling ma frens that I finally am giving it up.. But sadly.. I am not doing it. I do have issues wif achieving ma goals.. Damn!!
On another note, could this be how it feels or looks like.. Being in love with e wrong person or in a relationship that is damaging u.. but u just can't let go just yet?
Ke situ plak aku ni.. Hehe..
Jul 28, '08 1:48 AM
