Linger

Hitting the 4th year
If you were still here.

Linger - The Cranberries

:)

x

Seems like..

Loads of burden was lifted off

Tonnes of sorrow taken out

When u chose to smile..

Thank you...

Monday, April 25, 2005 at 11:40 PM in Just The Feeling For The Day, So Sad

Drugs

I feel like dying

I feel like killing

I feel like ending

I feel like slitting

Dead in ma life

Has always been it seems

Been go thru shit

And guess just a corpse I'm living

Killed the lifes of those around me

Making ma life as difficult as can be

Making me miss ma heart beat

Won't long before it shall be split

I dun give a damn wat u think of me

I dun even remember u being nice to me!

U said hello when u just wanted credit

Cos u saw me up there after I've been it

Thursday, April 21, 2005 at 12:36 PM in Insane Crazy

Murder 1

Why do I still miss u

N longed for u to be mine

Were u there anyway?

Was it u i find?

I want to c u today..

But got maself outta bail

~~~~~~~

Bullshit!

I killed u so many times..

But u were still alive

So I killed maself

N let u arrive

To e crime scene

N I'll let u be e victim

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 at 08:33 PM in Insane Crazy

I

I feel like breaking down & cry

Thought I'm having da time of ma life

Dun have e leisure 4 maself

And it seems I am wasting ma breath

I do wanna cry cos i still do have feelings

But ma tear ducts' stucked wif disgustings

Can I go hm without telling u I'm back

Can I clean ur crib without telling u I've packed

Can I be there without telling u I exist

Can I charm u wthout telling I'm abt to slit ma wrist

I've lost him & lost u now

Wounds heal, but hurt somehow

Was so lonely & still do

But I believed there's still u

Till e day u told me the truth

Nothing to say but so much to prove

Lesson learnt...

But do I trust to be earned?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 at 08:24 PM in In Within Me

Do

Do u know how it felt like walking under e second floor

Wen sum1 jas bent over n spat at u n c him smiling at u in front of e door

Wat it felt to put on ur best outfit

Jas to be booed at n commented ur jas so unfit

To be having ur dinner n abt to feed urself

Wen u got a spank on e face wen u seek no one else

To be asleep n worried how's e day gonna be

Wen u got thrown off ur bed jas bcos u lost ur money

To planned n prepare to spend e rest of e night

N realised u never wanted to b dis delight

To know ur losing n can never get any no more

N u had nuthing left but just to go

Monday, April 18, 2005 at 01:21 AM in In Within Me

Limp

Not once i felt ma heart beat stopped

Not because i was mesmerised by his eyes

Also not of his words which made their way to ma ears

Definitely not cos of the sight dat blinded me deep

Cos its all bcos i had too much to drink

Inhaled too much of smoke

Doing damage to ma lungs

Getting ma heart to xtra pumped

N i think i'm gonna go limp on ma left arm

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 at 11:17 PM in Insane Crazy

Gd Morning

Damn..

Why the hell am I still so wide awake..

In no tym, ma mum will be kn0ckg 0n ma d00r screamg i'm runng late..

"U dun wanna mis these, I b0ught u ur favourite cake.."

In ma sleepy head.. Dat sounds great..

Too psyche..

Monday, August 08, 2005 at 06:03 AM in Insane Crazy

========================================

Mute

Been withstanding for it for awhile now

And I still can't figure it out sumhow

Watever the reason might be

And dun want to believe it's me

When i put it on, i hear things

When I let it go, it does stings

Too much noise isnt ma companion now

When I used to enjoy angry music n loud

How do i explain to u

When even silence can hurt?

Am I going deaf??

can I just depend on the left?

Friday, April 08, 2005 at 08:12 PM in In Within Me

Long Gone Dad

Missing

Everyone's here but not u

the hse so filled of ppl but i still ain't got a clue

after so many yrs i'd rather coop up in ma room

wen happiness shld be felt but i just feel gloom

e empiness no one cld fill for u

e void dat no one can ever b u

i shld be ok now since i'm all grown up

sumhow inside, i refuse to grow up

Even 4 walls were ard me

N there's ppl a thousand and three

I still u wish u b here for me

N relive ma life ever since i was three

At e age wen i started talking

N learnt how to make use of ma legs walking

And put on ma face on dat packing

Whenever u feel the urge to start smoking

at least then u have urge lesser

n wld hve lived ur life better

then at least u won't leave me

But,

too bad..its been ma destiny

Friday, April 08, 2005 at 02:21 AM in In Within Me

Clueless

Walk around naked in the living room

N u shall see dat u have got a life to doom

N then to realise u just screw things up

N u decided to declare ur life is so messed up

He went away n say goodbye

She said hello n stay awhile

Still fguring out wats e life to live about

U couldnt say it anymore

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 at 11:18 AM in Insane Crazy

Abortion

Sorry

To the babies I've killed

Here, mummy wish to say sorry..

Cos i didn't want u babies..

I just wanted the fun dat ur dad gave me

Not to ma surprise e idea was his

But, I can't simply forego ma customs..

Cos I got to cover ur gran's & gramp's asses

U c.. I'm too young to be a mummy..

N he is still so immatured to be called daddy..

Can I not blame him for wat I did?

Cos I enjoyed e fun dat he gave

Each n evrytime wen u arrive; I told maself dat i won't kill a life

When ur gone, take me awhile to realise dat I got ma own life to live

I'm sorry I didn't give u a chance to exist

In the world who brought me to this

I'm sorry dat I didn't let u bring brought up by me

Bcos i would rather u live happily..

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 at 02:05 AM in In Within Me

S.N

"Dis day, for the first time in 4yrs, I dun get to wish u ur birtday.. like i used to."

The one who taught me to love.. to give.. to sacrifice.. to fight..

Ma first love.. All started back then in 2001.. April 2001.. about a wk after his 18th bday..a wed nyt.. first meeting 14 April..barely 2 weeks.. we were together.. =)

Once upon a time.. reason for my smiles & laughters.. and also for ma tears & miseries.. :P Was there to comfort me wen i was down.. Tolerated ma nonsense & complains.. & nagging..:P.. BUT.. (yes.. its 'but' in caps).. wen we quarrelled.. he seldom console me.. hmmmpph!! One of his hobbies.. was to hang up on me!! Well.. heard mos guys do e same thing too.. lol.. R gals like me dat bad?? Wtf.. lets talk abt dis birhtday guy here..

Was my all & everything.. Loved me like no else did.. Looked pass ma flaws.. appreciating me for who I am.. & so I thought..

Hmmm...

Anyways... felt so emotionally attached... Met up almost every other day for more than 2 yrs.. Picture dis.. he's staying in most western side of SG.. & me in hougang.. wif an hr train ride & 2 bus rides to depend.. (mrt in hougang only started operating in 2003).. Mostly..e quarrel will be about.. who shld go over.. LOL!! I remember e time wen he had to do his NS.. was so lost for dat 2 wks or so.. couldn't really talk.. Went nuts!! When i was out wif ma frens.. felt like..ma guardian angel wasnt ard to protect me.. In love!!

Blah~~

Well, I'm not saying he's all flaws & I'm the perfect one.. :P

The one who taught me to love.. to give.. to sacrifice.. to fight.. Oh those feelings.. Roller coaster.. Up & down.. very unpredictable..

Ma first love.. The first dat i ever fought for.. & kept winning.. but in the end.. I lost..

When its not meant to be.. even a million battles won.. destiny won't change..

Blessing in disguise? I dunnoe.. Maybe.. Hopefully..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05th April 2005

B..

For you...

I wish u e best in your new found love..

Happy birthday...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No Need to Argue - The Cranberries

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXLwPUr5F1k

Bored

Sitting here facing the black screen

Waiting for the calls to come in

Looking at ma nails which never can grow an inch

Even if it does, won't be long till I get em trimmed

Time seems very still as I watch e clock ticking

But inside ma head. I can feel ma mind's racing

I fel like standing up

Take e chair n smash e screen up

Cos I'm so frustrated and I feel so messed up!

Can't hold e pen now.

Cos I wanna break it sumhow

Feel like going on drugs and figure out how is it to be high

And able to write gd things without try to even lie

And get the nasty beats up in ma head

And hum it n get it done till I go to bed

Cos I'm sick of writing the same old shit

And it's maself who I'm trying to beat

Gone, gone, gone by now.

"Ting!" Oh, time for me to clock out.

Monday, April 04, 2005 at 09:36 PM in Insane Crazy

Ponder Yesteryears

I wass going thru a few of ma journals of years ago. And I realized, I didn't change that much. I talked about running away from everything. I thought ma perceptionds on things are no longer the same. But it seems like, I'm still going thru e same shit. Only in diff versions. Seriously, I wish to live each and ecery day to the fullest, But only to realize, I blew it maseld. I can't figure what is it I'm looking for. I'm really tired. Just wanna go to sleep now. Too much had happened. How I wish I had that sickness Ashton got in 'The Butterfly Effect. So I could go back, recall and change.

Inilah dia perbualan org yang tak beriman. I really hate this… Feel like I'll miss a lot. This is so wrong.

Mana pergi bertahun² keluar masuk madrasah? Mana pergi berhari²… mengaji. Hafal surah… macam² lagi lah.. Untul apa ada keluarga yang kuat ibadah, tapi sendiri jerumuskan diri dalam benda yg tak diredhai..

Dah diberi kebebasan utk mencorakkan hidup sendiri, aku lupa diri. Bila tersungkur, lafaz kata taubat. Tapi taubat utk… lima minit??

Ya Allah! Kenapa aku masih degil? Aku sebenarnya menunggu nyawa aku nak diamik baru aku nak menyesal? Kenapa aku masih kalah dgn hasutan? Tak namoak ke benda² yg berlaku sekeliling aku? Tak cukupkah amaran yg diberi?

Dalam keadaan ajy berdosa begini. Aku masih ingat kemana harus aku tujui…

Menyampah??

Jangan…. Kau pun sama jugak…

Friday, April 01, 2005 at 10:53 AM in In Within Me