2013 - Interesting Beginning

Not that the year has ended.

I left 2012 with high hopes that things will get better. But little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

I know because He loves me much that He sends these trials and tribulations.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Am not recovered. Not fully. Until I understand and adhere to the purpose in life.

Expectations. Don't have any. Do not. Not all with your heart, Nazihah.

Please learn already.

You have done too much damage to yourself in the expense of your loved ones who can't really tell you that they are hurt as well.

Redha.

The book is still there.

Only chucked aside.

Open it back only when you are ready.

Until you know, there isn't any expectations of yourself.

GMT 0400

Pangs of Pain

Outspoken but introvert.

Loud but sensitive.

I don't cry as much as I should.

But when I do, I don't care where am I. In public. While working. In the shower.

I am petty and emotional over petty things because I suppress my emotions when it comes to the real things.

I am afraid to fall again as I am tired of falling without being caught.

I need to remind myself time and again, to each his own. The opinions, the joys, the problems, the sad that others are experiencing are not mine to begin with.

Problems are there to be solved, right? Only if it is mine.

When it doesn't hurt anymore, I am not too sure myself because it is over or I have turned numb.

I cared and tried so hard to impress that I neglect me.

The drugs just don't work anymore.

How ironic that I am afraid to love but still want to experience it anyway.

How others handle their problems, that is how I raise the bar each time when I know their problems are bigger than mine. But I truly forget, that I am just me.

I want to let go of these expectations.

I am not perfect. I am not a perfectionist. I have to stop thinking I am.

I screw up.

Big time.

Life. Family. Work. Wealth. Health. Love. Friends.

But I know I have my family and friends who love me just the way I am. So why don't I see myself how they see me as?

Trust. What is there to live for when there is none left?

GMT 0345

Cleared

I should have known

I opened the door

So, I have to close it back now

Lock it up and throw the key..

Far, far away..

I wouldn't knew

What I put at risk

So, they say, Go and grab the chance

And never look back

Was it worth the risk?

Was it all worth the tears and pain?

Was it all worth it?

"Nobody said it was easy.. No one said it would be this hard."

Life, of what we once knew.. suddenly change.

Did it, really?

You were just too blind. Blinded, my friend.

Blinded of the what ifs and why nots

Maybe.. just maybe.. I need a new pair of glasses.

=D

A Point of No Return

Current mood:drained

8 months ago..
Prolly around this time, I was having that dream.. that started all of these.
Never did I expect, that things could turn out this way.
Nor did I wish that I will reach here. A point of no return.
Yes, it may not mean a thing to you. Or why don't I get the idea that u were never interested.
Trust me, I am done convincing myself. I am done telling myself to move on already. I am done wondering of the what ifs. I am done. Was about to. But every time when I did, you kept coming back. In my dreams.
It has never been easy for me. It is painful. And you think I am not practical or logical enough? You think I was not able to tell things apart?
At one point, I convinced myself that either I accept and continue to hope. Or drop everything else, and just move on. I chose the latter. Umpteen times. But time and again, I find myself hoping again.
I want my life back too!
I want my dreams back. I want all the things I wanted before I met you.
Don't talk to me about falling in love.
I didn't want it. Not yet. Not now.
I don't know.
And to know that you are still as lost, breaks my heart even more.

We only have God to depend on.

I am turning to a bigger fool than I already am.

Delusional

When the heart fails to listen

When the heart fails to believe

When the heart fails to accept

When the heart fails to acknowledge

When the heart fails to differentiate

At times, I just want to be heartless.. emotionless..