I made a new friend today, Mum
He asked for my number as I was walking away.
He asked me if I could stay, Mum
So I told him, "Perhaps, another day."
He texted me day and night, Mum
I couldn't resist cos it felt so right.
It was a feeling I couldn't fight, Mum
No matter how I tried with all my might.
He said he wouldn't hurt me, Mum
In my heart, I jumped with glee.
It felt like he hold the key, Mum
I asked myself if this could be
Then he asked, where have I been, Mum
"I've been there, just waiting to be seen."
Without hesitance he asked if I was keen, Mum
That's when I decided to let him in
Over time, I realised, Mum
That it was just a piece of disguise.
Pretty much, I was hypnotised, Mum
What I feared was being realised
I've been hurt again, Mum
When will I ever break this chain
Your child has turn insane, Mum
Have you ever felt this pain?
But then,
You are hurt more than me, aren't you?
You feel the pain more than I do, don't you?
I thought I'd let you know, Mum
I may needed it to let me grow.
Maybe it is time to learn to say no, Mum
Like you have always told me so.
Today he walked past me, Mum
Like strangers as we can be.
You know I'll be ok, Mum.
As long as you are here with me.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
Sunday, 1 November 2015
To Dr Grizzly and the likes
It has come to a point when you realise, you are not perfect.
And to embrace one's shortcomings are one of the ways to start accepting and love yourself first.
Cos no one will do that for you except yourself.
But for how long do you withstand ..
Being lied to
Being led on
Being stood up
For all the things that you think you try to do right.
Right from the start.
The hellos, the introductions, the impressing and be impressed.
The games are just too similar.
Sometimes I do wonder the strength that God has bestowed upon me, it's quite extraordinary when it comes to the dating department.
Don't start on love with me, because I am not even there yet when it comes to these Dr Grizzly and the likes.
Sometimes I wonder, how much of 'perfection' do these guys expect of me?
Then again, they are not perfect themselves, right?
So why made me feel like a scum, a piece of trash?
Was that their plans when they first knew me?
It always boiled down to.. I am not beautiful enough. I am not slim.
On second thoughts, why do I let them run my life like that?
Oh well.
To Dr Grizzly and the likes, thank you for affirming to me that most men go for looks. No matter how good you think you are, as long as you don't strut like a runaway model, as long as you can't try on the shoes on display because even your feet are on the plus size, as long as you can't fit in the size 'M' when you try out on clothes, as long as you don't look as good 24 hours, your chances of meeting the other half is almost close to zilch.
However, it also confirms to me that, you are not privileged to get to know me better.
Because one fine day, that the chosen one will be grateful that you have led me on, lied to me, broken my hearts multiple times, stood me up in the middle of the night and left me hanging, in search of finding him.
So I shall thank you in advance on his behalf.
Thank you Dr Grizzly and the likes for allowing something better to happen to me.
And to embrace one's shortcomings are one of the ways to start accepting and love yourself first.
Cos no one will do that for you except yourself.
But for how long do you withstand ..
Being lied to
Being led on
Being stood up
For all the things that you think you try to do right.
Right from the start.
The hellos, the introductions, the impressing and be impressed.
The games are just too similar.
Sometimes I do wonder the strength that God has bestowed upon me, it's quite extraordinary when it comes to the dating department.
Don't start on love with me, because I am not even there yet when it comes to these Dr Grizzly and the likes.
Sometimes I wonder, how much of 'perfection' do these guys expect of me?
Then again, they are not perfect themselves, right?
So why made me feel like a scum, a piece of trash?
Was that their plans when they first knew me?
It always boiled down to.. I am not beautiful enough. I am not slim.
On second thoughts, why do I let them run my life like that?
Oh well.
To Dr Grizzly and the likes, thank you for affirming to me that most men go for looks. No matter how good you think you are, as long as you don't strut like a runaway model, as long as you can't try on the shoes on display because even your feet are on the plus size, as long as you can't fit in the size 'M' when you try out on clothes, as long as you don't look as good 24 hours, your chances of meeting the other half is almost close to zilch.
However, it also confirms to me that, you are not privileged to get to know me better.
Because one fine day, that the chosen one will be grateful that you have led me on, lied to me, broken my hearts multiple times, stood me up in the middle of the night and left me hanging, in search of finding him.
So I shall thank you in advance on his behalf.
Thank you Dr Grizzly and the likes for allowing something better to happen to me.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Bent Over
Bent over multiple times.
You start to lose count.
It is easy to judge, isn't it?
Walk in my shoes.
I won't blame you.
To hold too much pride knowing you won't get played out.
Because you think you knew too much.
Take your leave already cause I am not the one giving up.
As you walked in
I let you in
I asked myself if you were godsend
Then I remind myself that we are just friends
Till today, you won't know why I was mad
Cause you won't be ready for what I would have said
If I had known I had stopped
Cause I knew it will lead to this
This fragile heart of mine
Seemed to have gone beyond the line
I don't go by the rules like they said
I go by what my heart tells me to
I am not falling for you
But I don't want to lose you
Am I being selfish?
Or is it just an act of being foolish?
You should have left then and not come back
I would have understand and not look back
Should I apologise for being me?
The me that you don't seem to like that much
The me that you can't seem to quite accept
The me that you won't seem to be able to handle
You asked where have I been
But in the end, were you ready for me?
As you walked in
I let you in
I asked myself if you were godsend
Then I remind myself that we are just friends
Till today, you won't know why I was mad
Cause you won't be ready for what I would have said
If I had known I had stopped
Cause I knew it will lead to this
This fragile heart of mine
Seemed to have gone beyond the line
I don't go by the rules like they said
I go by what my heart tells me to
I am not falling for you
But I don't want to lose you
Am I being selfish?
Or is it just an act of being foolish?
You should have left then and not come back
I would have understand and not look back
Should I apologise for being me?
The me that you don't seem to like that much
The me that you can't seem to quite accept
The me that you won't seem to be able to handle
You asked where have I been
But in the end, were you ready for me?
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
That Vicious Cycle
How broken can one be
When you found them in a million pieces
How do you put them back together
With your melodious words as glue
How messed up can one be
When you know what starting over is like
How do you tell them it will all be ok
With those little service you offer
How tired can one be
When you find them lying motionlessly on the floor
Nnot as dead
Just not as willing to breathe anymore
As much as you offer
That is how much you expect in return, no?
Sadly, if it validates you in that manner
You know you are the one
To be broken again
To be messed up again
To be tired again
With all these, again.
When you found them in a million pieces
How do you put them back together
With your melodious words as glue
How messed up can one be
When you know what starting over is like
How do you tell them it will all be ok
With those little service you offer
How tired can one be
When you find them lying motionlessly on the floor
Nnot as dead
Just not as willing to breathe anymore
As much as you offer
That is how much you expect in return, no?
Sadly, if it validates you in that manner
You know you are the one
To be broken again
To be messed up again
To be tired again
With all these, again.
Thursday, 4 June 2015
0306
Lied to myself about closing the chapters
When all I do is contemplating on the wonders
The 'what ifs' dropping by once in awhile
Most time gave me hurt than putting on a smile
I loathed the thoughts of you
And all the pure coincidences
Many times, I believed I have moved on from you
Then I realised I may not know the differences
I searched high and low for what I could replace
In the verge of losing myself again
But each time, I could only see your face
I can do nothing but endure the pain
In my desperate attempts
I lost myself again.
Then I found him.
When all I do is contemplating on the wonders
The 'what ifs' dropping by once in awhile
Most time gave me hurt than putting on a smile
I loathed the thoughts of you
And all the pure coincidences
Many times, I believed I have moved on from you
Then I realised I may not know the differences
I searched high and low for what I could replace
In the verge of losing myself again
But each time, I could only see your face
I can do nothing but endure the pain
In my desperate attempts
I lost myself again.
Then I found him.
Tuesday, 3 March 2015
Melancholy Thoughts
Dear Self,
Swallow your pride and admit.
You screwed up.
You wasted too much time.
You were bothered much with the world's opinions.
You tried so hard to keep up.
You fixed the broken things that don't belong to you.
You worried why the world is just too cruel.
You wondered why the hurt doesn't seem to heal.
You buried the unhappiness deep inside
And you don't even know if it still hidden
You prayed it'll go away somehow.
You wanted things to go your way.
You thought you did your best to avoid the disappointments.
You seek happiness in all the wrong directions.
When your cries went unheard, you died inside.
Multiple times.
Too many times, that you wonder why aren't you dead yet.
You self pitied. Whined, And blame everything else, Everyone else.
But not yourself,
Oh no,
Stop it, Don't entirely blame yourself,
Just stop with blaming game already, no?
Swallow your pride and admit.
You screwed up.
You wasted too much time.
You were bothered much with the world's opinions.
You tried so hard to keep up.
You fixed the broken things that don't belong to you.
You worried why the world is just too cruel.
You wondered why the hurt doesn't seem to heal.
You buried the unhappiness deep inside
And you don't even know if it still hidden
You prayed it'll go away somehow.
You wanted things to go your way.
You thought you did your best to avoid the disappointments.
You seek happiness in all the wrong directions.
When your cries went unheard, you died inside.
Multiple times.
Too many times, that you wonder why aren't you dead yet.
You self pitied. Whined, And blame everything else, Everyone else.
But not yourself,
Oh no,
Stop it, Don't entirely blame yourself,
Just stop with blaming game already, no?
Friday, 23 January 2015
An Eventful 2014!
And 2014 is coming to an end real soon.
2014 passed by real quick!
Oh! Too fast!
2013 left me quite clueless on a lot of things.
So I told myself that 2014 would get better.
There are many things in life that you wished you had the answers. And then you thought you might finally get your "Happily Ever After" after that many things you were put through.
"Happily Ever After" at home.
"Happily Ever After" at work.
"Happily Ever After" in the love department.
"Happily Ever After" with great friends and family.
And I thought I have suffered enough.
I was given a glimpse of miracles happening. But to my dismay, it was rather short lived.
Little did you know, what is to come, is far worse than you can ever imagined.
The first quarter of the year, really had me.
I thought I was going to fall into depression again with all that was happening. My world felt like crumbling again.
Like Rachel once said, "Bottom of the sea. 50 feet of crap. Then me."
It felt like a thousand feet deeper.
I questioned myself almost everything in life.
It felt like the world was coming down on me again. I asked myself, "Will I ever get back up again?"
I almost gave up on life.
I almost gave up on everything.
I almost gave up on hope.
Again.
Forget about being patient. I asked if this was fair.
In a fit of anger, I asked God, if the happiness that was given to me, was something that He was going to take it all away in that short time, I rather not have it at all.
We just take things for granted, don't we?
We tend to expect miracles to happen.
We hope for things to get better.
We expect good things not change and remain as they are.
But we forget, no matter how hard you try, no matter how bad you want it, no matter how good you think you are, no matter how easy it may seems, if it's not meant to be, it'll never be.
And that's when I realised, whatever that has happened, it is all in God's will cause He knows best.
And you hit that deepest part of the rock bottom, you have nothing else to lose, or rather nothing else to do but just swim back up.
That's when I totally understand, that nothing is permanent. Nothing.
That's when I decided to make that change.
Moving forward with the moving out of the house and looking forward to owning my own home.
Getting back at mending my broken heart.
Start afresh without all that hurt.
To get back what I've lost
To feel alive again
To understand the people around me
To sacrifice what is really worthy for.
Undeniably, there were days that I felt like I was failing again. Feeling lost. Unsure of what may come. Then again, who knows? Then, I will be reminded that nothing is permanent. Be it happiness or sadness.
Am I totally happy where I am right now?
I can't reply with a straight 'No'.. but I definitely am grateful for the things I have been put through and achieved so far.
The beautiful people around me made it all possible too.
Like everyone knows, as you grow older, you just know who to keep and who you need to move on from.
Not because for wealth or fame. But circumstances forced you to. And for some, your time is just up.
One of the key lessons I have learnt in 2014:
Thou shall embrace change. And adapt.
I am looking forward for 2015.
Looking forward for another chapter of exciting journey in life and the people who will partake in it. Be it at home, work, social or love.
2015 marks the decade that I had never imagined myself being in. And I survived!
And this, I must thank the men that I have dated, for without them, the decade mark wouldn't be possible. ;)
The first quarter of the year, really had me.
I thought I was going to fall into depression again with all that was happening. My world felt like crumbling again.
Like Rachel once said, "Bottom of the sea. 50 feet of crap. Then me."
It felt like a thousand feet deeper.
I questioned myself almost everything in life.
It felt like the world was coming down on me again. I asked myself, "Will I ever get back up again?"
I almost gave up on life.
I almost gave up on everything.
I almost gave up on hope.
Again.
Forget about being patient. I asked if this was fair.
In a fit of anger, I asked God, if the happiness that was given to me, was something that He was going to take it all away in that short time, I rather not have it at all.
We just take things for granted, don't we?
We tend to expect miracles to happen.
We hope for things to get better.
We expect good things not change and remain as they are.
But we forget, no matter how hard you try, no matter how bad you want it, no matter how good you think you are, no matter how easy it may seems, if it's not meant to be, it'll never be.
And that's when I realised, whatever that has happened, it is all in God's will cause He knows best.
And you hit that deepest part of the rock bottom, you have nothing else to lose, or rather nothing else to do but just swim back up.
That's when I totally understand, that nothing is permanent. Nothing.
That's when I decided to make that change.
Moving forward with the moving out of the house and looking forward to owning my own home.
Getting back at mending my broken heart.
Start afresh without all that hurt.
To get back what I've lost
To feel alive again
To understand the people around me
To sacrifice what is really worthy for.
Undeniably, there were days that I felt like I was failing again. Feeling lost. Unsure of what may come. Then again, who knows? Then, I will be reminded that nothing is permanent. Be it happiness or sadness.
Am I totally happy where I am right now?
I can't reply with a straight 'No'.. but I definitely am grateful for the things I have been put through and achieved so far.
The beautiful people around me made it all possible too.
Like everyone knows, as you grow older, you just know who to keep and who you need to move on from.
Not because for wealth or fame. But circumstances forced you to. And for some, your time is just up.
One of the key lessons I have learnt in 2014:
Thou shall embrace change. And adapt.
I am looking forward for 2015.
Looking forward for another chapter of exciting journey in life and the people who will partake in it. Be it at home, work, social or love.
2015 marks the decade that I had never imagined myself being in. And I survived!
And this, I must thank the men that I have dated, for without them, the decade mark wouldn't be possible. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)