2010

It's been a few days..

"What does 2010 mean to me?"

Looking back, it was a whole new experience. 2010 was a year of full of responsibilites, expectations, learning. I can't help but still wonder how did others manage to go through it without having to show it on their faces. The worries, the problems.

It wasn't all too great though. Frankly, I felt more like a failure because I retreat from my post cause I felt like I couldn't make it. I may have LEARNT alot. But to put them in practise, I have not. So what is it good for? I am even not looking forward to anything anymore. I don't even know what my goals are anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore. Because as human, I am always ungrateful for the things I've received after asking for it.

Come to think of it... It's just not about work. Family, life, love. Maybe.. just for my mum. Other than that.. I don't care.. I don't know.

Yes.. As much as I thought I know it all.. deep down, am still as pessimist as ever. Maybe worse.. as compared to previous years, I didn't know so much. But now, shouldn't I know what works best for myself?

So what if I get praises here & there?

So what if I got compliments for the nice shoes I've got?

So what if I manage to be there on time?

So what if I took care of my mum? So what if I am his favourite person?

So what if I am moving on?

So what?

All thanks to Allah. But then again.. I know all these are not mine forever.

Cos when I am tested, why didn't all these help me to boost my confidence? Talking it out doesn't help. Crying it out doesn't seem to be an option. Neither is writing it down. I thanked Allah when all is over when I managed to 'survive' the day, I knew I shouldn't feel that way in the first place.

But how not to? Practise makes perfect? But seemed like I am just stuck. I've learnt nothing.

Past mistakes seems to keep creeping in, all filled with regrets.

Ya Allah.. Forgive me.

Not everday was gloomy for me. There were times when I had a good laugh or two..

On a lighter note...

What a nice way to end the year. I was crowned the Rani.. Hehehehhe.. As much preparation was done, I am glad it ended nicely. Somehow, I felt like I was in the wrong party though. Should have been the Kollywood instead of Bollywood.. Indeed.. it was surreal. Felt like a homecoming queen at prom night. Whatever the reasons, I was chosen.. felt like.. was all for the wrong ones. There were many others who were more worthy of the title.. Must be the colours.. ;)

No doubt, it wasn't a beauty pageant or anything like that. But.. it was an experience that I've never got a chance in my younger days.. Hehe..

Can't thank e people enough for the experience.

I always have a bad feeling when something good happens to me.

"Ya Allah, whatever tests You shall put me through, I know & I believe that You will give me the strength & patience to pull through."

Lie

September 29, 2010 at 1:33am

To think I've wasted years,

So, am I letting history to repeat itself again?

With all the flowing tears,

Should I even consider to walk down that lane?

Just another not so good day.

Torn

Funny how...

I am just lost for words.. Speechless..

Tell me you were lying.. Tell me you were just saying all those things to shut me up. Tell me you didn't mean a thing you said. Tell me those words are just lies..

I can't believe I am ranting on this.

True enough.. I will redha in no time and let it pass.. True enough I was prewarned of this phase. True enough I was told that I will get hurt. True enough I was being a fool to naively believe each and every word you said.

There goes another 'promise'.

So don't fucking tell me you love me.. even as a friend..

Russian Roulette

"Courtesy begins with you."

Sleepy eyes.

High heels.
Tired feet.

Scanned through the crowd.
No one seemed to be the more needy one than you are.
Rushed to the empty seat in the packed carriage.
Finally! Another forty minutes or so before you alight. Put on your music and within minutes, you dozed off. In your own dreamland.
Unknowingly, an elderly boarded with the aid of walking stick. Other commuters stared and looked at you in dismay. Assuming you are pretending.
Do you MIND being woken up by another stranger and give your seat up?

2 A.M

Put down the pretences
And embrace your flaws
Hold up ur defences
And avoid the loss

Hungry vessels have been richly fed
Atoning sins for the many times commited
For all the past that was filled with bad
In the overdue anger, the dreams wilted.

Look away, when you've done so much
Head this way, when you feel the touch
No second thoughts nor a single hunch
Place in between n give it a crunch

Day 51

Woken up with mixed feelings. Aftermath of last night's dream. Involved my uncles and an aunt. Finding a husband for me. It is quite rare to have them in my dreams. Mum said, they might have discussed amongst themselves about me settling down. 

Actually, I wouldn't mind the idea. But my only concern with matchmaking, can he truly accept me for who I really am. For the past I had. For the flaws and virtues of mine.

On the other hand, if he is meant to be my soulmate, it will not be a problem. 

Few days ago, I was declared as his most favourite person in the world by Aaron. I hoped to ask him what is that suppose to mean. Are those just merely words? Should I even jump for joy?

At times, I just don't know if it's just wishful thinking on my part. In a way or another, I am holding to his words.

Day 40

9 Days later... And I've not been writing. But in fact, I've lot so of things to update. Like Baini's wedding.. The neverending work problem. Aaron.. Joy.. Naz.. But I guess it's the same usual 'complains'. 

However for 1 reason now was last night's dream. How nice it was.. And I didn't want it to end in a way. It felt so real when I was waking up. Damn real. I dreamt of Hasmi. In the dreams, he was like asking me out.. Pleasant and all.. And I managed to apologise to him for the kind of distress I put him through at 1 point of time. And he was so forgiving towards me that he looked me up at my place after that. 

I really hoped that I didn't leave him with a very bad impression of me. At least not forever.. 

=D

Daily Rantings of January ..

Day 7

I don't feel like updating anything today. Except for some tension at work for awhile. But it was resolved in within minutes. So it was fine. Good night world.
ZZzzzzzzzzz

Day 8

When I thought I was dead broke.. I found $300 in my wallet!! How cool was that? It was a pleasant surprise. I guess if I hadn't look for the phonecard, I wouldn't know I had money.. Hahaha.. But by the end of the day, I lost my favourite Burberry's lighter.. I guess.. When you gain something, you lose something else.. Scary.. I am grateful though that I didn't lose my wallet.. :)

Joy was sharing that she might have found her other half.. For once, I am truly happy for a friend.. For all the things she did to find the one.. I pray her that it's all gonna be worth it.. When I will find mine? Now that's another story .. =D

Day 9

Had planned so many things to do.. But ended up lazing around at Cu's place. Family bonding I guess.. But I was dissappointed with Hamzi.. Very dissappointing.. At the same time, I wonder what caused him to be the way he is.. It seemed like nothing can scare this guy.. Or whatever it is.. So many promises made, but none fulfille.. And that reminded me of Aaron. Could he also be that person who showers me with sweet nothings but didn't mean a single thing? I realise I fear of words from guys.. The praises and declarations..
Like I have mentioned to some people.. Until he is married to me.. Then, I shall put my whole trust, hear and soul in him... or on him.. Whatever.. :P

Day 11

I was just being lazi to go to work today.. So I decided to take the day of by calling in sick.. But I guess, it kinda got backfired. Apparently, I am suffering from chronic diarrhoea.. So, it means, if problem persists.. I got to go for further testing and sorts.. Damn.. I hate that period of going to and from the clinic.. Away from work.. Taking leave for all these.. It is just not worth it. And the money too..
The day ending with a boring thought of going to work tomorrow..

Bleargghh...

Day 13

I guess I am a difficult person indeed. It is no wonder why I am still single.. I feel my shoulders are heavy with responsibilities. At the same time I got to shoulder others' too.. I just feel like dropping everything and disappear.

Now.. That make me a coward..

Day 14

Work is all the same..
Only that I wonder what will happen if she chooses not to come back? I have mixed feelings. At times, I can see myself working there for the next ten years at least. But at times, I am not sure if I can even last for the next 3 months or so.

I don't know that AI is already airing. It started yesterday. Good thing, this is only the second episode. I don't really follow AI that much, but I did hope Lambert got the last one.. But then again, it doesn't matter 'cos it didn't matter my life a wee bit.
Not for now, or in the future. Unless the winner is someone close.. maybe myself.. :P. I still like watching AI, but mostly only during the auditions. You just see the many kinds of characters. Especially the different levels self-confidence portrayed. Interesting characters. And the best part, witnessing dreams being achieved. No words can describe. Even if it means, just to get through the auditions..

I longed for those days when I can personally taste the sweetness of victory, goals accomplished, dreams achieved. Regardless of whether it's personal, work related, family or lover, I definitely know, the day will come.

Hoorah!!

Day 15

Finally, weekend is just a day away. But the thought of having class tonight is making my day a bit unbearable. So I reversed it by cancelling the class. And after receiving the message of acknowledgement, I jumped in my heart. I am just hoping the teachers did their job well today. So as not for me to worry over the weekends.

I headed down to Cu's. Sometimes, I wonder if god has placed me in Cu's family, will I be able to survive.

I don't know anymore what's there to wonder actually. And what's the pint if I know how it feels or trying to help them figure out what's best for them. Not just them in particular.

At times, i can't predict myself. Like what to think .. or do ..

Day 16

A family bonding day again. :)
Finlally, got to enter JB with mum and bro and Cu. And yes, I got those dvds. One of these days, I got to list down what I need to buy.

Day 17

So it was dvd day. Watched 3 of the movies I bought. And 2 Korean dramas. Now, I am seriously thinking of getting either a laptop or pc. But the financial commitment I have at this moment, is stopping me from even considering it.

A year ago, at this very time, mum was hospitalised. But thank god, she's doing much better now. And today, Razdi's turning 30. 'Happy birthday, buddy!!'

That reminds me, I'll be turning 30 in 2 years' time too.. And I don't even have a boyfriend.

At the end of the day, I don't if I can depend on Aaron for this one. But I do hope, that I can meet my other half soon.

Day 18

I seriously, really need to do something about work. I need to leaern to prioritize. I feel like a failure when I can't control the kids. Moreover, I feel like worse failure when my staff are not able to execute things as how I want it to be. I wish I can be a leader as good as Mas. I pray for that.

Day 19

First time chairing a meeting. I hope and pray for all the plans we have, things will fall into place eventually. And no unneccessary worries for me. Yeah!!

Aaron dropped me a message asking me whether I am doing all right. How I do I answer him?

"At times, I just feel like, taking you with me, and run away from reality. Just so that you can fulfil what you 'promised' me. Was it even a promise in the first place. Never mind that.

At times, when I feel like breakind down, I want to cry. But there isn't someone to wipe away my tear. Sometimes, I wish you were here to wipe it for me, I know I can jolly well wipe it all by myself. But I realised, it's been too long. In fact, never had for a long time.

At times, when all goes wrong, I just feel like picking up the phone, scroll to your name and press the dial, to hear your voice and tell me all will be okay. But I just don't have the guts to do so. 'Cos at the same time, I don't know if I will just be pestering you and I don't wanna know that you don't need me..

So, my gut feelings tell me.. I am generally not okay, until I am with you. "

Obviously, I chose not to reply. I longed for him than ever now.

Aaron.

Day 22

Finally, the week is almost over. I guess for some reasons I am blessed not to have them as my staff. I wonder how Lily does it with patience. I am sure Godknows the level of treshold each of us has. Thus, He has assigned me to my beloved staff. ;)

Day 27

Why ask if you don't intend to meet? Despite knowing all these, why do I still get excited every time you messaged?

Day 29

Mum's 57th birthday. But I still have yet to but her a present for more than 2 years. But I still wish for her all the same. And of course.. I still love her as much..

Day 31

2010 is 1/12 gone. What will be the next 1/12 be? What does it have in store for me. And what have I done to be where I want to be? And I just realise that the entries for the first week is gone. I saved it in my pc. And it seems like my pc need a reboot again. Kind of expected though.
It's been 5 years..

Tomorrow is a new day.. New month..

Elimination

January 9, 2010 at 8:17pm

I don't have the guts to tell you straight to your face how much you've hurt me.

I can't show you the damage that you've done that paralysed me.

I want no recollection of yesterday with you.

Eraser, anyone?