The year is coming to an end.
Here, I am looking back what had happened so far.
Since August, I've felt that it has been a long, hectic year. So long that I wanted it to end. But when the end is too near, I felt that there was a lot more that I didn't accomplished.
In fact, nothing was accomplished.
Who's to blame?
No one else I guess, but just myself. Do have a little regrets here & there.. But not that much for me to lose hope to live.
Too much had happened.
Family, dreams, friends, lifestyle and obviously love..
Family wise, its not my call.
All I hope for is the best for everyone. My bros n their respective families, my sis-in-law and the coming baby, ma 3 'ever so cute yet a tiring bunch for me to handle' nieces & most importantly my mum.
Feel that I am responsible for Mum's happiness now.. Has always been I guess.. Just that all these while I was blinded..
Blinded by....
Dreams.. of being able to have all the luxuries in the world to pamper everyone in my life..
Cos I'm tired of being dependent n at least, that's how I could repay those I'm indebted to.
Dreams of having more dreams reached.
People say I'm a pessimist. And I tried to change.
So much I've changed but how come I'm still here?
Where is my destination?
What is my aim?
Still am clueless as before..
I do have more friends now compared to a year ago.
Friends whom I can count on when I need sum1 to laugh with.. to have fun with..
Whose experiences I learn from..
Whose advices that keep me thinking..
Friends who showed me the meaning of friends..
Some just stayed awhile for a day or two..
Some wished to stay longer but can't..
Some who stayed long enuf but still can't figure out
Some who stayed too long, got bored & left..
Some who stayed too long, got bored & but still stayed behind
Some who just came by, gone the next minute..& reappear
& those younger friends too..
Whom reminded me of myself years back..
So young & naive
And committing e same mistakes & crimes I did..
I did share some of my experiences.. and warned what to do.. what not to do..
Was more like giving advices to these half decade younger girls..
But none was heed..
That's when I realised, till ur at ur wits' end.. u realised u should have listened in the first place.
The saying goes, "Life's not long enuf for u to make all the mistakes..".
And my comeback will be, "What I don't do.. I don't know.".
And now.. most of the time.. I'm left with.. "Only if....".
Lifestyle was a drastic change.
My curfew has always been midnyt..But this year, I bended e rules 180 degrees.
If only I had started earlier..I wouldn't feel like a late bloomer.
A good & bad change for me..
A side of me tat I never imagined I could be able to do.
My gals would know what I meant.. ;)
Lovewise, was really a roller coaster ride for me.
Lost someone who meant the world to me.. but only for me to realise.. that it takes more than love to keep on going.
More than sacrifices.
More than time.
More than everything.
By then, I was emotionally, mentally drained out.
Just like other break ups.. I picked up my pieces.
And then, there were these guys who came n went..
Pouring their hearts out at one moment..
And went missing the next..
One who just chose to keep mum and not share what I need to know.
One expects me to be dat flawless..
One expects too little from me dat made me feel there isnt any purpose at all..
One expects too much from me..to be the queen
Some did try to make their presence known n I do appreciate that..
But somehow, things didn't really fall into place.
I had those who said they would die without ma presence but got ma replacement in a jiffy.. hehe..
Those sweet words strumming thru their vocal chords..right to my ears.. but none reached my heart..
But there's one individual who existed in ma life.. well.. still exist..hmmm.. I dunno how to describe things here.
Its just this sum1 who opend up doors for me to explore other people..
(Do I really make any sense here?)
He's someone so faraway, outta my reach, but somehow gave me the will to 'live'.. to move on.. to enjoy life the way it is..
And he became my aim.. without him knowing it.. taught me meaning of things..
Sometimes, when the impossible seem to be happening unto me, I ask myself, why me.
But that someone once said to me, others have gone thru worse and still survive.. so y can't I.
If it came out from anyone else, I guess it would just be another statement.
But wif dat coming out from him, I somehow hold dat statement close to my heart.
He.. could have been like those other guys I've met.
Sweet words at times, will be gone for awhile. And be back later.
But fate has it, he meant something to me.
But when I came to know of he's attached.. I became aimless..
I began to ask myself, "What can I do now?"
There isnt someone for me to look forward to..
There isnt someone who's gonna make me feel good by seeing him smiling @ me..
"I seeked the wrong reaction from what the other party has to offer."
To define this as love.. was a BIG mistake.. :)
And that's when I realised, my aim shouldnt be about anyone else..
But myself.
I've grown up.
I've seen it all.. I guess..
I learnt things which I never thought of knowing.
Things, people that was so close to me and I never saw.
Things that was so faraway, & yet I know them like the back of my hand.
Things dat are important & I never knew the importance.
Things dat I hold dear but actually meant nothing.
This coming new year, I wish to put into practise what I've learnt.
Now, ma plan is to make new mistakes so I could learn more new things.
To understand
To commit
To practise
To master
Sunday morning, 1024hrs & I'm heading to sleep.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 at 10:23 AM in In Within Me
