The Dream Guy

I guess... like most ppl who knows me.. they might agree wif me.

I AM a procrastinator. This entry was meant to be posted more than a week ago..

So, here goes.

I decided to clean up ma room.. yes.. Cleaning up as in, massive clean up. So ma rm is in a MUCH better condition. No more little stuffs lying around. I was clearing away a LOT of stuffs. I've finally thrown ALL ma secondary sch textbooks that are more than a decade old. Bt I'm keeping only e literature bks. A subject that I found a bore in sch, bt find it e most interesting one now. I wish I had taken it for ma 'O' Levels.

I've discarded most things, along with e unpleasant memories too.. bt the gd ones, still fresh in ma memories..=D

Amidst the things, I came across ma diaries. I was reading em one by one, (e reason y I took more than 2 days to clean). Ma fave, e 1999 diary. Was only 17 then. A lot of things happened that year. (On second thots, every yr a LOT of things happened..) A mix of bitter n sweet. That was e time when I got to know my dream guy.

Ma perfect dream guy to be exact. Hehe.. I'd always been (still am, I guess) picky abt who I like. He fitted e bill perfectly.

So e 17 year old naive gal's criterias list was as follows:-

at least 2-4 years older

rides a scrambler

plays football

eldest in e family

no sisters

prays

at least a diploma holder (or taking dip at that moment)

has a 'Z' in his name

compatible horoscope

deep, husky voice

non-smoker

And e most not impt thing...

lives in Bedok Reservoir

Looking at these now, I can't believe he was that perfect.

he's 3 yrs ma senior

he was riding an XR.. a scrambler. Ma only reason was because ma bros rode em too at that time. I wanted them to have e same interest.

he was playing for a club then. He told me abt his position bt can't recall now.

he is e eldest of 3 siblings

the best part, he has no sister!! Hehe..

Will be talking when, we'd be excusing ourselves..

When I knew him, he was in 3rd yr in IT

So that, his name sounds like mine? Hehe.. Funny part was, when I told ma mum his name, her response... "Apa?? Pizzahut??" I cldn't stop luffing!!

He's a Pisces. Supposedly, ma star sign n his is a perfect match.. But I really doubt that.. N I think Joy agrees wif me too.. Hehe..

I just love hearing his voice.. (when pager, voicemails were in)

I wasn't a smoker then.. =D

I had a crush who was staying in Bedok Reservoir..bt till today, I can't find e reasoning y wld I want ma guy to be staying there too.. Haha

We'd be having late night conversations. Or morning.. afternoon. Long hours of conversations. It's not abt e duration. Bt e things we talked abt. We'd talked abt family, school, life, ambitions, his adventures (he's an outdoor person). And ma fair share of complains towards e ppl ard me. He was a very good listener bcos I did most of e talking.. Hehe.. Bt he never complained of cos. Well, at least not to me. Lucky for me, we didn't talk abt love n sortz. That was a plus point for me.. Hehe.. He didn't talk abt gals. N at sum pt of time.. I thot he was gay.. Hehe..

When he didn't call, I felt as if time was going very slow. All seemed so dull. Bt when I heard his voice over e msg, everything changed. He'd update me of his activities n sortz. Like if he's gonna be away n all..

There's just so many things I can go on with. typing abt him. Bt I guess.. I'd just spare u guys e details.. =D

We made plans to meet, bt never did. E funny thing was, neither of us asked for an exchange of pics. Until 3 years ago. I dunno wat took us so long. When I saw his pic, I cldn't believe wat I saw. He was so alike to e imagination I had of him. Except for e smile. By then, bof of us were already attached. I last contacted him 2 yrs ago. Last thing I saw at his profile in Friendster, he's already married. And I am truly happy for him.

I guess ma case was a classic example of fear of rejection and disappointment. I ponder sumtimes. As much perfectness I saw in him, he must have his own flaws that I will never or want to discover. Like, maybe he's a playa.. He smoked.. He was already seeing sumbody else.. He's a gd listener to many other gals other than just maself.. He cld be lying to me abt his going away.. Maybe as a bf, he's nt that perfect afterall. He'd be a changed person.

Looking back, to think how easier back then to be holding to sumthing wic is nvr in front of u, bt it kept u going anyway. The faith n dream. Although, ma 'Happily Ever After' isn't wif him, bt e experience was indeed a very pleasant one. =D

On the other hand, back then, I wasn't aware of e problems in relationships. All I knew was, how I'd be perfecting ma rship. How I'd be perfect for that sumone. How I'd deal wif problems wifout knowing e consequences. Sumtimes, I believe, ignorance is indeed a bliss. I wasn't afraid of falling.

Till then, I'm on a hunt for that next perfect dream guy.

Who will eventually, be a reality for me to live with..The criterias have changed of cos.

Likewise, I shall fit into his, perfectly.

Dec 14, '07 2:46 AM

My Neopet World

In the Queen's English accent I shall speak. =P

In the world of neopets, I own a pet that works, or indeed earn for me by playing games.

I took good care of her. Showered, played with her. And I would put her up in 6 star hotels with room service, spa, recreation. You name it. I pampered her with luxuries that only Neopets can enjoy. I would send her away if I knew I was too busy to be checking on her now and then. The longest I ever left her was 4 months. And when I came back, she'd only be too happy to see me and wanted to play with me.

She's an Acara. In blue, one of my favourite colours. I named her Iona_53.

She's an agile creature. She'd brought me back things that I couldn't get elsewhere. With her versatile nature, she's always on the go. I didn't pamper her with lots of food though. I didn't want her to grow fat like me.

Blue Acara "Isn't she cute?"

I wanted her to be active and playful, whilst she's still young. I'd spent time with her. Bathing and playing with her. Scarab 21 was her favourite. And Cheat was next on the list.

I'd see her jumped with glee. Winning that points for me. For she knew that, the points meant money for me. And that cute little face, refusing the food that I was feeding if she already had enough. Not forgetting the angry red eyes if I made a bad move and causing her to lose the game. But Iona had always been forgiving. She'd still call me the best owner. And how much she missed me when I was gone. The sweet, mischievious Iona.

However, I don't see that pretty little thing now.

This was what happened.

One fine day, I was checking my items. I realised Iona brought back a magical stone. A green one. Like all the other stones, I'd usually safe kept it for her, in case they might be useful for her battles. But somehow, that stone had a magnetic force and released itself from its translucent covers. And went straight to Iona. Thinking it was like any other candies that I gave before, she welcomed the presence of the green stone and tried chewing it. The stone just melted in her mouth.

*POOF*

In seconds, Iona transformed. From the beautiful Acara that had always made my day, to a green Uni that I am never proud of. And I have stopped feeding her. She's dying and she's sick.

Deep down, I know, it is still the same Iona. But I just can't bring myself to like, feed or pamper her like I used to.

I miss my Acara. A lot. I want my old Iona_53 back.

Anybody has any idea?

Green Uni

Mana peh English accent jer..eksen adalah..Hehe....

Nov 19, '07 4:38 AM

Someone I Call... F.R.I.E.N.D.

I am a friend who'll accompany u when u have nobody and blame u if I didn't get to do things I want just because I was there for u. Seek refuge in solitude is always the best way.

I am a friend who'll listen 2 ur dreams and other things and mocking at em behind ur back. In the least, I'd give dat sinister smile to them. And am careful with who I am sharing with.

I make jokes out of ur flaws with the other friends even without feeling guilty abt it. Even if I do, I am pretty sure u make fun of me too with the same ppl or some other people. I'd try to be flawless.

I blame u for everything I didn't get or want because u never wanted me to have more than u. Even if u hoped e best for me, it wasn't sincere. Nice words have limitations...

I'd tell ur secrets to others knowing that my intention is to help, even though I promised u I won't. U can't trust no one.

At ma worst, I'll bad mouth u for all e things u really r or not. I'll rake up e past, things that I did for u, then u never did anything in return. Not even a word of thanks. I dun wish to be indebted to u. In wateva way there is.

I am a friend that prolly u won't call a fren at all.

Dat's y I dun believe in best friends.

Scary isn't it?

Nov 8, '07 9:42 PM

Turn Back Time

I was supposed to blog this out last night, but I couldn't think straight. Was feeling sick n e tummy was really aching. Prolly I ate too fast at dinner. So tonight, I am much better. Need to blog this out before e creativity runs out again. Hehe..

On the way back home yday, I was looking thru ma calendar and realised, e day before was a friend's bday. Correction - An old friend. Not really...an ex sch mate. N I realised, ten years has passed since the last time I gave her a bday present. I was trying to recall what did I gave her. But on second thots, I might not have gotten anything at all.. Hehe..

Ten years eh...

Have u ever thot of how things could be if u were given a second chance to relive that moment again?

I definitely do... a LOT of times. In this instance, I wish I could be given a 2nd chance 10 yrs back..Let's forward it a bit..9 yrs back.. to tell her that I am willing to forgo everything else..n wld ask for that friendship back..even at dat pt..I was really hurt n I thought, (still think) sumwhat..I was e victim.

U know e feelings, when u try to recall past events.. Those moments, dat made u proud, dat u wish u can repeat the particular events again n again. Angry moments, that u'd never thot u could just blow ur top n not feeling guilty abt it..N thot dat..sum ppl myt have just deserved 'em in e first place..N those hurting moments...that even e funniest joke or act is not able to let u put on a smile..or grin in e least. N those moments of committing mistakes n regrets...

Some ppl, (maybe like u, reading this) may look at me negatively and will tell me straight to ma face to move on. Believe me, I no longer am living in ma past like I used to few yrs back. Those times wld even be more difficult for me to handle, for I could just sit there, wondering, reminicsing, whining n sorts..in solitude.

But now, when I look back, I try to pick up e pieces. And if sumhow they're still in ma ctrl, I'd try to fix 'em back. But if things were not, I'll just let it be.. n try to understand e lessons being taught. N keeping in mind..These are all what God had planned... for He only knows what's best for me. But some other things..I can't help it n wonder what cld happen...Well..U noe e "What ifs?" Hehe..dat is sooo me..

So here. are some of e events in ma life (that I am comfy to share of course) that sumtimes I wish.. am given a 2nd chance at:

- That particular day in 97...to meet 'him' behind e sch canteen..Hehe.

- Early1998 Prank calls... akhekhekhe..

- April 2001 Shld have known better

- End 1999 shld have just gotten dat diploma!! *stubbornness got e better out of me*

- Mid 1991 if only I was careful, dat I didn't lose that piece of paper.

But then again, I'd just tell maself.

The path that I had taken, has made me into who I am today. And I am grateful that I am not any worse than now. And the path ahead of me, is just waiting for me to discover, explore, learn and live. And all with God's will.

But still...this wandering mind of mine..sumtimes fail to understand..

Tickle Tests

When someone asks u, "Tell me more abt urself," how will ur response be like? I usually can't answer them. I'd prefer direct questions though. That's the reason y I like doing these tests. And in return, I'd sumwhat noe how I m like. I dun always have e answers u noe. =D

Happy knowing me!! Hehe..

Kim, when it comes to second chances, you're a Dreamer

You can't help it: You love a happy ending. And with your sunny outlook, we bet things go your way a lot of the time. That's not to say you don't experience setbacks. But even when today's not so bright, you keep imagining a better tomorrow.

Your friends may tease you about having your head in the clouds, but the truth is, your cheerful, upbeat attitude is what makes you so fun to be around. You're likely to be the first one they turn to when they need cheering up. Keep reaching for the stars, dreamer. Romantic, idealistic types like you are a rare breed!

Kim, you keep secrets about your Love Life

Way to keep 'em wondering! When it comes to affairs of the heart, your lips stay sealed. Whether you've had your share of heartache or done the heartbreaking yourself, you know that not much good comes from kissing and telling.

You're a passionate person who takes relationships to heart. While some people dish up intimate details of their love lives around the water cooler, you've got more respect for your sweethearts than to reduce them to email fodder. If your name happens to circulate through the rumor mill, it's only because you're so mysterious. Who says romance is dead?

Kim, your lips say you've got Feisty Flair

We're not just paying you lip service when we say you have bold style and a bright spark that shines through in everything you do. You love taking risks, from sporting a wild fashion trend to spicing up your life with salsa dancing or cooking classes.

A firecracker like you is never afraid to turn up the heat. So, it's no surprise that you use your lips to say "Yes" to most of life's exciting opportunities. And that's why your friends are always wondering what you're going to try or say next. It's part of what makes you so much fun to be around. Now that's spicy!

Kim, your Casanova is the Rebel

Hey there, party girl! Always on the lookout for the bad boy in the crowd, you like your Casanova complete with imagination, heart, humor, and lots of attitude. Cool and confident, you're attracted to people who aren't afraid to speak their minds and stir up a little trouble here and there. It keeps things interesting — that's for sure.

Pay attention to rules? Not a hot tamale like you! You're way too busy trying new things, meeting people, and having a good time to follow in someone else's footsteps. Good thing your sexy rebel can blaze his own path, too

Kim, you're a Natural Beauty

No fuss, no muss — you're a practical beauty who doesn't rely on frills and passing fads to show off your style. Down-to-earth and oh-so-cool, friends count on you for good advice and a strong shoulder to cry on.

You know what you want out of life and don't worry about impressing others with over-the-top outfits and the newest crazy styles. You've got a healthy dose of self-confidence that simply radiates beauty and grace. And nothing's more natural than that.

What Type Are You?

You are a Hopeless romantic

Do you swoon when a guy recites poetry to you? Go ga-ga over a bouquet of hand-picked wildflowers? Then there's no doubt about it — you're a textbook Hopeless Romantic. Chances are you love soft music, candlelight, and long walks on the beach at sunset. Crying at sappy movies (your favorite kind) is a given — a box of tissues is a must — and you've have had your wedding planned since grade school. You're looking for a deep relationship — a soulmate. Traditional and sympathetic, guys love that they can open up to you and talk to you about their feelings, their past, and their hopes for the future. How can a suitor win your heart? By romancing you. Sending you flowers, surprising you with a picnic lunch, or going for a horse-drawn carriage ride. Before you know it, you'll be creating a life-long love story. (I definitely was right abt maself!! Hehe)

Kim, you're Good as Gold

You're all about sunshine and smiles. Sweet as you are, we wouldn't be surprised to come across you sitting in a green meadow, surrounded by adorable baby animals eating out of your hand while your halo shines in the sun. Okay, maybe not. But you are an awfully good person. Sure, you may have dipped your toe in the naughty pool once or twice, but you generally stick to the shallow end, leaving the deep waters to the leather-and-nudie-magazine crowd. It's all well and good to follow the straight and narrow, but remember: It's okay to walk on the wild side once in a while, too. Have a drink. Make a crank call. Go to strip club. Trust us — as long as no one gets hurt, it can be fun to be bad!

Bt u have to get an acct first, if u dun have one, before taking e tests.

"Maaf Zahir Batin"

So this is e season of kunjung menunjung... jumpa sedara mara yg ada kita jumpa cuma time² cam gini je.. or family occasions.. In short..mengeratkan silaturahim.. Biasalah soalan² yang ditanya.. Keja mana sekarang.. Buat apa.. Sib baik takde yang tanya "Dah ada pengganti?".. Pasal they noe..Mesti aku nya reply tak masok akal nya.. Aku suruh dorang carikan.. Part² tu..aku kasi lah criteria² yang aku nak cari.. Hehe.. Dorang malas nak dgr.. Jadi dorang pon malas ler nak tanya.. Bagus tak strategy aku..hehe..

Other than that.. exchange of views n opinions of certain things.. Sharing of experiences e past year n etc..

Bila time parting tu lah.. Part salam²... Ni part..Sambil salam..Peluk memeluk..Exchange of ucapan.."Selamat Hari Raya..Maaf Zahir Batin.."

Ni part yang came across ma mind dis morning when I woke up..

Bila kita mintak maaf n sorts..we know that we sincerely asking for forgiveness n all..E other party tu..takkan ler kita nak curiga n sorts kan? N so.. dorang pon balas ler balik kan.. " Sama lah eh.. maaf zahir batin.. terkasar bahasa n all.."

The question is..

Do we sincerely forgive them?

The forgiving part tau..not e seeking of forgiveness..

Hehe..Ni saja je..Ma exploring mind terpikir.. Pasal kengkadang tu.. Boleh buat gadoh bila terselisih faham.. Tapi bila dah raya..Hepi²..terlupa sema..Tup²..teringat balik satu hari nanti..Ah..terus "luka lama berdarah kembali.."Hehe..

Kira² time org tu mintak maaf kira ke tak eh?

Insyallah..takde yang berdendam lagi..N its a reminder to maself also..

So ucapan.."Selamat Hari Raya..Maaf Zahir Batin.." is just a formality..or do we really mean it? Do we forgive..n forget.. Or..Forgive..try to forget..or.. Ishk..banyak betul dia nya 'or'..hehe..

Harapan Aidilfitri

Berkumandang lagu Di Pinggiran Aidilfitri (tk tau plak title btol ke tidak) di corong radio. Teringat versi dikir barat.. Secara tk langsung teringat time sekolah buat persiapan utk dk nya performance... n dat was a decade ago..

Cepat masa berlalu eh? Btw, kat bawah ni ada lagu rekaan sendiri. Alhamdulillah, we performed dis song because we wanted to bring an original song..

Harapan Aidilfitri

Terjaga ku dari lena

Mendayu takbir syawal bergema

Penuh syahdu mengusik jiwa

Mengimas kembali kisah lama

Oh Aidilfitri..

Yang lalu itu banyak duka dari gembira

Harapku agar kita bersama

Namun tidak tercapai jua

Walaupun banyak menguris rasa

Tidak ku salahkan sesiapa

Oh Aidilfitri..

Menjelma lagi kini setahun sudah berlalu

Di Syawal ini kita bersua

Mengeratkan silaturahim

Bermaaf-maafan sesama kita

Dendam yang ada diluputkan

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Yang ni plak direka e following year..tapi sayangnya.. tak diambil utk persembahan atas sebab² tertentu...

Harapan Aidilfitri II (dah macam cerita Hikmah plak ada sambung²..hehe)

Ramadhan berlalu Syawal kembali

Aidilfitri menjelma lagi

Bertahun sudah berlalu pergi

Namun diriku tetap menanti

Takbir syawal bergema

Menyeru nama Illahi

Berlinang airmata

Mengenang nasib diri

Kau yang memulakan

Dan kau yang mengakhirkan

Terpinga ku dibuat mencari ketenangan

Apa erti penantian jika tidak dihiraukan

Apa erti setia jika tidak dinilaikan

Bilakah kau kan sedar

Bilakah kau kan tahu

Dalamnya luka ini

Lamanya ku menanti

Hanya satu pinta ku

Agar kita menjalinkan

Sebuah persahabatan yang tiada hujungnya

Agar dapat ku luput kan

Segala kenangan pahit

Agar tercapai jua harapan Aidilfitri

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Kalau nak ikutkan, ada cerita disebalik lagu ini. Pedih noh!! Hehe.. But it was an experience though.. To noe what's worth n what's not. For now, looking back..all I can think of is..

"What the hell was I thinking??"

Part n parcel of teenage life eh?

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Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa!!

The 25th Birthday

Ma colleagues planned a mini celebration among us at work on e 24th as I was going on leave for e next 3 days after e weekend. Makan².. Its been a while I had anybody who remembered ma bday n celebrating it wif me. After 5 years.. I got a bday cake!! Weehee.. its ma 1st since I was 20.

Audrey was so sweet to plan a surprise celebration for me..but she forgotten that she told me abt chilling at Esplanade. Hehe..

So it started from e eve, on e 27th.

We knocked off from work together..but she had some prior things to do.. Funny part was, at the locker, while changing wif her.. a Chinese lady looking at me..n said to Audrey, "Oh, this is..'Happy 25th Birthday Kim' ah?" Hehe..

Then..I left the hotel earlier.. Taking a breather.. N planned to do some reflections before ma 24th year ended.. Before I could even do that.. Saw Redzuan n Sonia.. Chatted a bit.. While waiting for Audrey n Vivien.

I still had no idea where we were heading.. I was trying to contact Baini.. I was calculating she was doing e PM shift.. She could join us if she had nothing after work. But she sounded as if she wouldn't be able to make it. But she said, she'd try.. Got into Vivien's car n we headed to Lau Pa Sat instead of Esplanade.

Timecheck: 2315hrs

Place: Lau Pa Sat

45 mins to go before 12midnight.. Still not done wif ma reflections. While Vivien n Redz went to withdraw their money, I excused maself.. I left Audrey alone. I was selfish to leave her alone.. But, I just need to do what I always do on e eve of ma bday. I found a place by e roadside. Settled down for awhile n started reflecting..writing down ma thots and all..

I admit..I was a bit down. Because the e ones that I wanted to celebrate ma bday with.. Were not there that night. Of course I appreciated those who were with me that night. Oh.. I do admit.. I am a selfish person. These 2 people.. meant a lot to me. I've got no idea where Raz was..N Joy wasn't there too..because we've not been contacting for a while now due to some issues.

At this point of time. I always think n wonder.. If Ayah was still around.. Things sure will be very different from how they are now. But of course..Nothing can be done. Only I have e control what I want out of ma life isn't it?

I took ma phone out n called Mum. I am such an emotional being. Was sharing wif Mum what I was doing e whole day. Then she told me, somebody sent a surprise at home. It was a birthday cake. Of course..that person was Joy. Sweet of her.. Hehe..

Received a msg from Redz, "Time to come back." Haha...

I sat prolly like 10mins..then I called Baini..to update her that we're at Lau Pa Sat instead. She mentioned she'd try because it was a bit out of e way for her to detour before going home. A lil dissappointed..bt I guess its ok.. Its always difficult to get her to stay late anyway..

Awhile later.. there she was with Naz...I was speechless of course. Hehe.. We settled down and ate. Ordered for like 5 ppl..bt only 3 of us were eating..hehe..

Audrey, Vivien and Redz left becos they wanted to pick up sumthing from e hotel. We continued eating.. We were suppose to meet them sumwhere else.

We met them somewhere at Marina Park.. There they were.. with e birthday cake.. Hehe..Its was ma 3rd cake!! Wif e 2nd one waiting at home..

I am not really a choc lover.. bt e cake was marvellously coated wif chocolate!! Yummy!!

We hanged out a bit..trying to finish up e cake..but of cos..wif our tummies already filled up 3/4 full...I brought e rest of e cake back...

Headed home.. N I still felt a lil bit upset.. But of course.. I appreciated n enjoyed their coy.

Redz, Vivien, Audrey, Naz and Baini...Thank u for celebrating it wif me..

And thank u to those who wished me.. Appreciate it lots..

=D

The Very End....

As much as I am falling for u now..

For years to come will it stay e same..

As much as U adore me now..

In e future will u be calling me names..

E sparks keep flying now..

N soon e flame will die..

When it does..will ur love be gone

N praying it'll die too?

For so much is done..

For so much is said..

Watching e sun..

Shining brightly red..

Will u kp trying..or will u admit its dying..

N as u hold ma hands n watch it going..

N when time is up..U will tell me ur leaving..

Wifout e effort of having it rekindling..

For a moment or two..

I'd like to trade shoes wif u..

Trying so hard to see ur pt of view..

The reasons that kept u blue..

I can't promise u I'll still b e same..

Bt do not force me to change ma name..

For I am whom u met yesterday..

Wif lessons learnt day by day..

If its confusing u..

I'm confused even more..

Waiting for e time due..

Still finding wats e core..

I wish to put ma head to sleep now..

Bt ma mind is so wide awake..

Forcing maself to sleep somehow..

N tmrw I'll sure b late..

AGAIN!!

Hehe..

"Suatu Masa"

Ingin aku membawa kau bersama kemana jua..

Ingin aku menemanimu tika sisa-sisa hidup mu..

Ustaz kata semalam..Allah memberi ujian kepada mereka yg disayangi..

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Tika itu..hanya wajah mu yang terbayang..

Bukan wajah mereka yg melukakan..

Bukan kenangan yg menyakitkan..

Bukan peristiwa yg sungguh pahit..

Bukan kisah yg lalu yg menggamit..

Wajahmu yang selama ini ingin mengecapi kebahagian..

Wajahmu yang ingin selalu ditemani walaupon tk keseorangan..

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Kita akan ke sana suatu malam nanti..

Dgn irama mendayu² menemani..

Dgn sekuat hati..

Suara kita akan kedengaran..

Meluahkan segala yg terpendam..

Melemparkan semua yg tak terpadam..

Rindu nya aku dengannya..

Rindu nya engkau dengannya..

Rindu kami berdua untukNya..

==============================

Seandainya impian mu tak tercapai..

Akan ku lunaskan di sana kelak..Insyallah.

"Peace of mind"

I locked maself away today

Getting in control before its all unleashed

Dun tell me u planned to stay

When u got e exits all greased

Wee bit of ma tear won't go to waste

To be down for all that mess

I'd quickly pack up n leave in a haste

N I'm not surprised u won't care less

I'll tie your hair up in the bun

Will be holding ur hand & letting it go

And sure dat I make some fun

N just make u another foe

For all the dreams painted

Its hers I wish to achieve

If ur not abit interested

U myt as well leave

~piece of mine~

Ayah...

I saw an incident this morning that made me missed sumone so badly..

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This song never fails to bring tears in ma eyes..Wif or wifout e melody accompanying it..

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Ayah,

In 2 days, 15yrs will be passed..

N yesterday is still fresh in ma mind..

At times..How I longed u'd still be ard, for things could be different..

Better or not..I dun wanna noe..

Hah rindu Ayah..

:'(

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To make things sumwhat worse for me today, m getting the children to do up a Father's Day card..Which I had never wished him before or sorts..

Things will get better..It always will..

Insyallah.

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N I shall find a reason to smile this very day..

=D

Aug 9, '07 11:32 AM

She means all to me....

I take in wateva u've got to throw at me wif wide open arms

I dun warn u that I'd throw it back to u..

Instead I shall reply wif an absence..

There's so much u can do to help someone..

N there's so much u can do to help me too..

Get the picture?

I please others to please maself..

I please maself to disgust others..

She means all to me..

N no matter wat u said n e others..

I've got a mission to accomplish..

May 24, '07 12:52 AM

Whatever Happened?

The fantasies are all lined up now

Knocking on ma senses if i need em sumhow

I can't tell u how hungry I am without the hunger

I can't tell u how angry I am without the anger

I wanna trip u down e hallway

I wanna keep u anyway

Knocking very hard now

Waiting for e lines

I smoked n drank

I cleaned..spick n span

The very thots that told me

That I need to shout and curse u

baby, baby, baby

Shut down ma brain

Reboot ma vain

Ease ma pain

Link ma chain

Aint perfect

Aint no sense

Aint no story

Aint no lie

Aint no everything

Cos,

Everything will die

Read me, tell me, curse me, hate me, envy me, adore me

I'd turn around and do exactly e same...

If I am bothered enuf to stay in e game...

-------------------------------------------------------

So u need to be hurt & depressed to write a gd piece of work? Well, personally, I do...

So obviously, I am not born a writer..:P

Just look at the way I am writing now...

All praises to HIM

Good news ain't it? It means life is treating me better than before..Hahaha...

And I pray it stays..Insyallah...

SO i suppose that could be what happened to Em eh? ;)

Nah..u dun have to understand...

=D

Apr 18, '07 11:11 PM

Jas ma thots...

I have dreams & goals to achieve. I am not sure what it is based on. But somehow I will do what it takes for me to achieve 'em.

I seek courage to overcome ma fears. I seek strength to work on my weaknesses. I might be dreaming to attain all the things I want. But then again, what's life without dreams?

I've learned so much so far. But am I working it out to be where I WANT TO BE??

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YA ALLAH!!

To you only that I seek strength and guidance. Its funny how when I seemed to be getting all the things I asked for. And at e same time, you tested me by laying out the temptations and to ma dismay, I lost. Upon realising all these, I still do not do anythinng, in fact, doing more and worse mistakes.

YA ALLAH!!

I pray and ask from you to get rid of the wrong things that I am doing. Because only from you that I shall ask for.

Dekatilah aku kepadamu ya Allah.

Sesungguhnya, nikmat yang diberi tanpa beribadah kepadamu, sungguh tidak bermakna.

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Dilimpahkan nikmat ku lupa diri

Dibebani masalah ku cuba menginsafi

Adakah hidup harus senantiasa susah utk kita mengingatinya?

Wallahu'alam

Apr 23, '07 12:10 AM

Revisiting Ma Past

Gd evening..ishk..dah macam nak buat public announcement plak..Hehe..

I've been wanting to blog abt this for sumtime now since I started ma new job more than 3mths ago..

When I first started, I thot e issue was only gonna be there for awhile since I was new at it..Bt then I realised, it still exist till now..

I am in e education line..to be precise..I am a studentcare facilitator..Kalau berbual kasar..kira mcm baby sitter je lah..Day in day out..we overlook e students (P1-P6) daily activities..their meals..showers..homework n etc..before n after school...

The real issue is.."How often do u feel that ur revisiting ur childhood?"

In ma job..I tend to do just that..almost every other day..

I would recall how would I react given a certain situation..For eg..When I was required to finish ma hw on time..bt I didn't..How did I survive then? N I would always wonder..y did ma teacher would always scold me for ma untidy handwriting? And sum other things too..

Sumtimes I get too occupied with ma own past while tending to e children that I neglected em sumtimes...

N when I see these kids..I tend to relate them to ma frens..Thru e bdays..Hehe..n sumhow..there's a lil bit of similarity..N I found a gal..who shares e same bday as me..N I realised..y most adults dun have time to entertain ma never ending qns at dat time..Hehe..N at times, I'd just tell maself.."This is Nuraishah, this is Duan Qin, De Hai"..n so on..connecting em wif ma childhood frens / classmates...

For eg today, I recalled ma past again..Was waiting for e children to end school at e canteen..Once school was dismissed..More than half headed for e canteen..and most of em was queueing up for food..Must be hungry eh? Hehe..N most reached for e snacks of course..No wonder I put on alot of weight during those years...Hehe

Oh well..that's just a few things that I wld like to share today..N every other day..There's just sumthing that I'll share wif ma colleagues..Till they mentioned, "U sure remembe r ur childhood a lot.." So to those who are teaching in schools..do u experience e same?

=D

Apr 9, '07 9:39 PM

The Third

Its been e third

Everything's changed except the hurt

When u asked me the other day,

I said I was OK

"I'm doing great..

I have no hate.."

Bt deep in within me,

For everything that I tried to be

I wish to say..

I still hope u'd stay

Tho,

I am glad that I vowed

For every hurt

For every pain

For every misery

Looking back..

There were many things I could jas do right

And some other things that we shld avoid

Bt those taught us..well..maself to say

To see what's worth to love or play

Being a Fantasizer,

I secretly dream of u fighting to come back..

Bt being a Controller,

U think its love that I lack..

Oh well,

Its nearing..bt of all things..

It was one hell of a great experience..

Falling in love wif u..

Being in love wif u..

Getting out of love wif u..

Still trying..

Tho its way overdue..

Bt I think..

I am done..

Over u..

=D

Well wishes..

Apr 5, '07 1:13 AM

Ma Friend - Listen to ma prayers

So much betrayal and hideous words

I can't believe I am living in pretences again

I wish I could jas pack up n leave

Jas as I always would

Bt I've got a lot to lose this time

I got up to find wat I thot I'd never wish for

I thot I'd jas quickly fall, crushed and get back up again

Wat does it need to crush me?

I dun want it to be real..

It hurts so much that I see u in ma dreams

Trust me, u dun even want to noe

Bcos U wldnt even believe

N u wld hate me for lying

Pray that I jas get out of this fast enuf

I can't bear all these guilts

Loving aint fun anymore

Was it suppose to be?

Instead..

I shall be loved

=D

Mar 25, '07 12:41 AM

OPS

I mentioned abt e updating abt e OPS in e previous blog..bt I realised it was jas so wonderful that..I am taking days to describe e event..

Bt one thing for sure, I finally understood wat Linda's been saying abt living a dream..E part where she shared when everyday she wld be at e train platform n tell herself that she's still in Europe...Well, its not exactly e Europe I am keen..its jas abt dat feeling...

I thot I dun really wanted them all..bt now..it seemed like..those R e things that I longed for..E comfort u can never find anywhere else bt home.

When we entered e building, Razdi was at frontdesk doing e checking in while Joy was going ard e lobby..n said how cool it was n stuff..and me..I was keeping ma cool....Trying to kp ma cool...bt wen I saw e swimming pool..I just wish I cld jas jump in!! Hahaha...bt of cos not..must maintain mah...Hehe..

When we entered the apartment on 17th floor, I was so mesmerized by e mirror at e dining area..The hse that ma family was supposed to move in was jas like dat..bt e owner sumhow refused to sell..(n we managed to get a flat a level above them..bt I dun understand y they put it up for sale wen they're still staying here now)

The first thing I checked out was e kitchen..WOW!! I liked it so much that I was in e kitchen for 10 mins I think..E colour of cabinet top..it was dark-coloured (i can't recall e exact colour at this very minute) marble or granite i think..Even e lights was nice in e kitchen..Hehe..N dat oven n stove..was exactly how I pictured it to be years ago..Tho it was kinda cramped..bt I still loved it anyway!!

Next stop, one of e criterias for our getaway, was e bathtub!! Weird?? I dun think so..I jas missed soaking maself in e tub till I shrink!! Wish I cld do dat tho..LOL..E toilet was really pretty!! bt of cos..Razdi got that room..e master bedroom..so jeles..=P. I tell u..e tiles was so..beautiful..

Who cares its just a toilet?? I CARE!! E black tiles made it so..Hitam - Keunggulan - Bergaya .... The other toilet was jas as nice as well, bt wifout e bathtub of cos. This one was pretty, white n neat..I still prefer e previous more tho..Hehe..

I went to our room to check out e window view from there..we cld pretty much see e roads tho..n not to mention e clear blue sky..N we all were soooooo excited that u cld jas hear us exclaiming our excitement..The living rm was cosy of cos...wif e sofa that jas wanna pull u in never let go..I jas love e ambience..Kalau lah rumah aku cam tu..aku nk duduk rumah je at nyt n watch dvd all nyt long..Wic was wat we were doing most times when we were in..we watched close to 10 movies during our stay there..

I had one of e rooms all to maself e next 2 nights..I never really like cold rooms bcos I cant stand e chill most times..Bt for those nights..I looked forward to be covered wif fluffy pillows, and e thick blanket n comforter..I even got e temp to be reduced to 18 deg!! N e queen sized bed all to maself..

When I finally came back home..I was jas hoping to see e same view I had for e past few days..Oh well..of cos I was disappointed..Wif ma cramped bedroom..N to make things worse..Ma fan isn't working..When I entered ma toilet..Urgh..I jas felt frustrated wif e plumbing n sorts..n e toiletries all over..N e kitchen wif so many unwanted stuffs..The living room littered wif ma nieces toys n all other things..

Sigh..

I want that view from e window in OPS!! I want that bathtub in OPS!! I want that sofa in OPS!! I want that lights under e cabinets in OPS!! I jas want to live in a place like OPS!!

I wanted it so bad..that I couldn't stop talking abt it..visualising it..Then, I realised..I did want all these all along..

So much of I jas wanna live as minimal as possible..

So much of I dun have a dream..

That's when I realised..I have to live up ma dreams for maself..BY maself..I dun n can't depend on others on how I wanna live ma life..

How I shall look..talk..be..Its in within me..N I shall not be afraid of criticisms of wat I do..Bcos that IS ME..

I DECIDE!!

So be it wif previous bad encounters..

I DARE TO DREAM..n work to achieve wat I DREAM..

DO YOU??

N that is y..I am so 'obsessed' wif OPS..It gives me goose bumps jas talking abt it....REALLY!!

Bt like wat e The Secrets taught..I gotta be grateful first for what I have now..E hse I live in..E toilet that provides me wif very limited space for ma daily routines..E cramped room all to maself..E cheap clothes that got me covered all day long..

N most importantly..e love that I get from ma family n friends that give me warmth..even when I dun even have a cent..

All these 'found ma dreams back' kinda things wldn't be possible if not for e positive ppl ard me..They prolly have been all ard me all these while..It's me who refused to see the best in it..

I still miss e bathtub..pillows n bed.

ps: Dun mind e long entry..=P

Mar 6, '07 11:19 PM