"What does 2010 mean to me?"
Looking back, it was a whole new experience. 2010 was a year of full of responsibilites, expectations, learning. I can't help but still wonder how did others manage to go through it without having to show it on their faces. The worries, the problems.
It wasn't all too great though. Frankly, I felt more like a failure because I retreat from my post cause I felt like I couldn't make it. I may have LEARNT alot. But to put them in practise, I have not. So what is it good for? I am even not looking forward to anything anymore. I don't even know what my goals are anymore.
I don't know what I want anymore. Because as human, I am always ungrateful for the things I've received after asking for it.
Come to think of it... It's just not about work. Family, life, love. Maybe.. just for my mum. Other than that.. I don't care.. I don't know.
Yes.. As much as I thought I know it all.. deep down, am still as pessimist as ever. Maybe worse.. as compared to previous years, I didn't know so much. But now, shouldn't I know what works best for myself?
So what if I get praises here & there?
So what if I got compliments for the nice shoes I've got?
So what if I manage to be there on time?
So what if I took care of my mum? So what if I am his favourite person?
So what if I am moving on?
So what?
All thanks to Allah. But then again.. I know all these are not mine forever.
Cos when I am tested, why didn't all these help me to boost my confidence? Talking it out doesn't help. Crying it out doesn't seem to be an option. Neither is writing it down. I thanked Allah when all is over when I managed to 'survive' the day, I knew I shouldn't feel that way in the first place.
But how not to? Practise makes perfect? But seemed like I am just stuck. I've learnt nothing.
Past mistakes seems to keep creeping in, all filled with regrets.
Ya Allah.. Forgive me.
Ya Allah.. Forgive me.
Not everday was gloomy for me. There were times when I had a good laugh or two..
On a lighter note...
What a nice way to end the year. I was crowned the Rani.. Hehehehhe.. As much preparation was done, I am glad it ended nicely. Somehow, I felt like I was in the wrong party though. Should have been the Kollywood instead of Bollywood.. Indeed.. it was surreal. Felt like a homecoming queen at prom night. Whatever the reasons, I was chosen.. felt like.. was all for the wrong ones. There were many others who were more worthy of the title.. Must be the colours.. ;)
No doubt, it wasn't a beauty pageant or anything like that. But.. it was an experience that I've never got a chance in my younger days.. Hehe..
Can't thank e people enough for the experience.
I always have a bad feeling when something good happens to me.
"Ya Allah, whatever tests You shall put me through, I know & I believe that You will give me the strength & patience to pull through."
