Borrowed Lenses on Borrowed Time

Sometimes it takes us to put on a different set of lenses. A set of lenses that we are not used to. A set of lenses that is on borrowed time, or simply a borrowed one. At times, the borrowed lenses gives us new perspectives. Different insights. Shifted paradigms. For a moment, or stay for a while. Sometimes, it can well up the eyes. Blurring it even further. Then at times, the welled up eyes makes the vision clearer. Over time, you choose. To return or retain.

Surat untuk Mak

Mak...

Ni dah kali ke empat puasa mak tak ada.. 

Dah nak masuk 17 hari puasa. 

Masih susah lagi Mak.. 

Tapi alhamdulillah.. anak mak masih berjuang lagi. 

Mak pegi cepat sangat.. mengejut sangat..  

Macamana Mak selalu cakap, Ayah pergi cepat sangat.. macam gitulah Hah rasa, Mak. 

I totally didn't see it coming. Itulah yang buat perit sangat. 

I was never ready losing Ayah.. what more you? 

Banyak angan² kita bersama kan, Mak? 

Nak beli kerusi baru.. nak beli mesin baru.. nak beli periuk baru.. 

"Kita berdua je. Mak pun tak banyak sangat makan. Hah pun kan nak diet.. masak sikit² je lah." Mak kata.. "Mak pun dah tak kuat sangat.. nanti Mak ajarlah ikan cencaru sumbat.. senang je." 

"Hah gi kerja.. nanti Mak pandai² lah macam biasa."

"Ok. Nanti Hah cari kerja dekat², k? Nak hantar Mak gi klinik pun senang. Kalau Mak sakit ke, nak tengok² Mak pun senang kan? Nanti Hah amik lesenlah.. nak hantar mak gi mana² pun senang, kan?"

Itu yang buat Hah kuat masa tu, Mak. Angan² nak bina hidup baru dengan Mak... Nak jaga Mak dengan sebaik mungkin. Nak balas budi Mak dengan lagi sempurna. Nak beri Mak perhatian sepenuhnya. Kita berdua je, Mak. Hah dah tak peduli apa dah. Hah tak sabar, Mak. 

Hah baru cuba berjinak² nak berdikari... sambil tunggu Mak balik. Tak sabar rasanya tunggu Mak nak balik dari umrah. Tak sabar nak selesaikan apa yang tertunggak. Dah tak nak pedulikan apa² lagi selain nak hidup dgn Mak. 

Mak ingat tak 1 malam tahun 2006, Hah nangis  teresak². Sambil dengar lagu Shima.. Luka Dilukai kat radio dgn Mak. Hah cakap dgn Mak.. agaknya pasal Hah takde Ayah ke, Mak? Mak pujuk, "Biarkan diorang tu.. main²kan anak mak. Allah ada. Biar Allah balas aje."

Hah yakin.. I could go through anything as long as you're here with me. I have said that million times. From the time I learnt what heartbreaks are like. I could go through all those times.. from my teenage years to adulthood.. cos as long as you're here. 

Tapi betul, Mak... Allah tak menduga kita lebih apa yang kita mampu. Though at times... I crumbled, struggled and frantically looking for you.. at times cukuplah kalau ada sosok ibu yang menemani... tapi tak ada tandingannya, Mak. Tak ada yang boleh mengganti. Tapi Allah tetap kasi Hah kekuatan untuk teruskan. Tapi kadang rasa lawan diri sendiri tu lagi susah, Mak. 

Rindu nak bebual² dgn Mak. Nak bilang Mak pasal anak² murid Hah.. kat tempat keja.. pasal mamat ni.. mamat tu.. hehe. Gurau senda dgn Mak. Nyanyi lagu² lama dgn Mak. 

Gaduh dgn Mak.. 😁

Rindu baca your handwritten notes. 

"Ingaaaaattt..."

Tapi.. kadang² lelah sangat.

Penat sangat.

Sakit sangat.

Tapi.. Allah Maha Baik.. 

He opened doors for me when in the least I expect it. 

Sakit rindu ini takkan hilang, Mak. 

Rindu Mak.

Rindu Ayah. 

Sangat-sangat.. 

Hah pernah cakap dgn Mak. Anak Mak kuat.. 

Hah ada Mak.. Hah ada Allah.. cukup untuk Hah. 

Memang selama ni kita semua ada Allah. Cuma tak tau.. tak nampak.. tak sedar. 

Allah tetap kasi Hah ujian demi ujian. 

Tapi Allah kasi rahmat lagi banyak, Mak. 

Banyak benda Allah permudahkan. 

Banyak yang Allah kasi. 

Banyak yang Allah hadiahkan.

Mak, sakit merindui Ayah dan Mak.. kadang² datang tapi inshaa Allah.. Hah baik² aje, Mak. 

Allah ada.

Allahumaghfirlahum warhamhum wa'afihi wa'fuanhum

Mohd Yassin Bin Jantan 16 March 1949 - 14 June 1992

Hamijah Bte Mohamed Haron 29 January 1953 - 5 January 2020

Tak ada madah indah nak ku susun

Hanya luahan rindu seorang anak

Yang tak diberi masa untuk bersiap sedia menghadapi kehilangan.

Rindu sangat-sangat

Kemarin

Goodbye 2022

It has been a long 7 years since I wrote about events of the year. 

It could have been work.

It could have been lack of inspiration. 

It could have been ... I could not quite put a finger on it though. 

The last I wrote was in 2016, wrapping up 2015. And that even, I was 3 months late. The works of a procrastinator. Hehe. 

2015 in a nutshell

So, let's begin. 

I began 2022 with full of hopes. Having to have the tens place upping one number, I was excited yet anxious. Uncertain what it would bring me. I left my job as a student care teacher towards the end of 2021. 

Tempat jatuh lagi dikenang

At that time, I felt I wasn't given enough chance or opportunity to continue, so I took as it was time for me to stop. Embark on something new. Something more rewarding that aligned with what I want to do with the rest of my life. So I spent my days searching for what do I really want to do. I gave myself a month. 

But when February came, I was still clueless. There were opportunities in the same industry, but I weighed in the options, and I realised, I didn't want to be stuck in that kind of rutt again. It may be different companies or management, but the unpleasant 'games' are pretty much the same. 

I was being 'pressured' by people around to just grab whatever it is until I figured what I really wanted. But I was just so reluctant. I was just browsing through but never applied or send my resume. I just felt like, "This isn't what I want."

And as I trusted God's plan, I was presented with a rare opportunity.

And alhamdulillah, I landed a job in the education industry with the niche that I have been wanting to get myself involved with. Working with children with special needs. For whatever reasons, I have a super soft spot with these children. Having to work with them, opened up my vision what life is about. As a special needs child, as well as their parents, care givers, families. 

I embraced and acknowledged that Allah does test each and every one of us in His ways. With the tests that He presented us in, He doesn't leave us alone. He equipped us with the knowledge, the strength, the drive and anything else that we need. Only thing is, how are we willing to take up the challenges.

How do we face it? 

How do we handle it?

How do we get by it?

How do we trust that all these are just not in vain? 

It turned me around pretty much. 

I was so ever grateful that the previous company denied my request of a transfer that left me deciding to leave. Else, I won't be able to be where I am right now. With the people at work that I truly appreciate. It did feel like I was brought into a different paradigm. Many discoveries that I would not have come across if I chose to stay. 

As I was settling down at work, with new experiences, new people, until the fasting month came, and Raya... I realised, I was still grieving. 

I was still grieving with my mum's passing. It was the 3rd time that she wasn't around. That feeling of emptiness slowly creeping in. Especially during the fasting month. I struggled pretty bad. There were more difficult days than easy ones. At work, it was just a breeze when handling the kids. Once I was home, it just got harder.

But I understood, that it was the 3rd time, and at times, I was told to get used to it. Well, people didn't exactly say that, but that was what I understood or 'heard' when I shared how I felt time to time. Of course, there were others who said 'nicer' things, but you know, the negative ones tend to stick around much longer. Perhaps it's just me. 

It wasn't just my mum. I missed my girl too. I missed having a family to come home to. 

I hated the silence that greets me when I come home. I hated that no one waits for me to have dinner. No one waited for me to turn the TV on. No one waited for me to get food. No one waited for me to get the internet up and running. No one waited for me to cook. No one waited for me to make the tea.

And when Raya came, it was another blow. 

For the first time since everyone's departure, Raya was to be celebrated with colours, food and meet ups. I was truly dreading it. I just wanted to stay home and do nothing. I didn't even prepare myself for anything.  I just lost the essence celebrating it. But I felt like, I should not be selfish. I wouldn't want family to worry about me and question me. Because everyone knows how I like family gatherings with all the food and laughter.

That very morning, I braced myself and took out the dress that mum bought for me. The last things that she got me. Supposedly, it was a matching jubah with her. :) Even while ironing, and with the call of prayer playing, tears just streamed down. Every Raya never fails to bring back that feeling of missing my dad.. and now with mum.. but this time round was slightly more challenging. And so I thought. Until I stepped out of the house, with the different colours of families, painting the streets and buses, I felt like a lump stuck in my throat and tried very hard to hold back my tears. Even after seeing my brothers and their families, that feeling was just not going away. You joined in the fun and laughter, but you know that you are just not there. 

This was the first time since the pandemic that we get to be out and about for celebrations. And thinking it isn't the first time for me celebrating on my own anyways, it should not be bad. Little did I know, it was one of the worst feelings ever. You are happy to see people around... but yet you feel so empty inside. 

 My, this is just the beginning of what's to come... but perhaps, I shall say goodbye now for a bit.  

Make Time

You said you'd make time for me, honey

No matter how late it would be 

Lips service it could be

Until you see the whole of me

Words and quotes are just too free

But like a deja vu it could be, 

You can't possibly hurt me

Countless times, I've been burnt to the 3rd degree

But, don't tell me to be okay, 

When you can't be here like you used to be

I don't quite need you to be nice, 

When all I need is to be hurt as I can be 

For all the times you let me be me

For all the times you let me escape 

For all the times you let me be carefree

For all the times you let me break

I shall keep the words that got me going

I shall live the dreams that were awakening

I shall respect the silence as I sensed you leaving

Cos honey, I did see it coming.

You should have left when I showed you the door
Then you wouldn't have to see me, this raw

"Somewhere Only We Know"

 Sometimes, 

Some things are better left unsaid

Some things are better off unlearned

Some things are better left unloved

Some things are better off undone

Some things are better left undiscovered

Some things are better off unexpected

Some things are better left untouched

Some things are better left unknown

For simple things not to slip away. 

I had a dream, Mum

I woke up, fresh with dreams, Mum

In it, it was pleasant and nice

For a moment it was beautiful, it seems, Mum

I laid down while waiting to rise

It was nice and I had a good feeling, Mum

Felt surreal like it's really happening

I had some moments of tingling, Mum

Though it was pretty early in the morning

I can't wait to tell you about it, Mum

Preparing myself to ensure this is right

Then a moment struck right on it, Mum

That you are not here, not another daylight.  

Nor another evening

Nor another night

For all that I have to bare, Mum

I know you are no longer in sight

But I know, with the Almighty's might,

That you know what I'd bare to you

With it, I send my prayers, Mum

And in time, we shall follow suit.

Wednesday, 5th January 2022

Tempat jatuh lagi dikenang

14 years ago. 

That hopeful 25 year old had anxiety before her first day at work. 

27th December 2007 was her day one. 

27th December 2021 will be her last day. 

It would have been an astounding 14 years if she didn't  walk out in 2014, losing 5 years in between. 

So what has been learnt these years? 

That nothing is forever. Nothing ever is.

Inna lillahi woinna illaihi rojiun ... 

Different players.. diifferent games..

Tired much? Very.

I shall forgive myself this time better, sooner, easier for swallowing my pride, yet walking out with my head held up high. 

For all that we plan, His is definitely better. Pray and just gotta have faith.

Thank you for the experience.