Letting Go ...

I dun need some words from you just to ease my mind.. I dun need that.. I only need the truth that can give me the strength to pull thru everyday's challenges..

But u knew I'd rather be lied to.. u chose to lie anyway.. So that I could still go thru it like any other days.. U knew that truth hurts.. And it still does.. It still haunts me sometimes.. wondering if it was just all a lie.. or the truth.. or a truth that was lined with acts.. or a lie with some truth in it..

They said when a door closes on you.. there's another one that opens up.. the reason u can't find happiness.. is because u stared at the closed door for too long.. that u dun realise the existence of the one that's been opened for you..

Maybe.. somewhere.. in my sub-concious mind.. while staring at the closed door.. I am still praying that it will be opened one day.. by a familiar face..

If I've re-assured myself a million times before.. I am assuring myself again..

Being with you.. was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had.. Bt to go back there again.. I'd rather not...

I wish for your happiness... in whatever way u will achieve it..

Feb 25, '09 1:00 AM

Jangan Pisahkan

With the 'O' Level results released earlier this month, I felt anxious. I was looking forward to it. Despite the no-reply from NIE last year, I was determined to re-apply. I don't care if I am 10 years late. I even got Joy to see through my application. At least I know, I tried. And keep trying... Until when.. I don't know.

For the first time, mum had to go to hospital because of her heart conditions. Lately, she's been complaining a lot abt her chest pains. On a Sat evening, after consulting both ma bros... I decided to send her to the A&E.

The doctors informed me of mum's condition.. and the kinda procedures she needs to go thru to correct the problems.. Suddenly, I felt like a mum.. worrying about her child's condition. Knowing my mum.. she's scared to go thru this and that.. Looking at her worried face breaks my heart. Being a diabetic, high-blood pressure, heart patient, she has more risks than others. The doc went on and on abt e risks of the implications later. At that moment I regretted sending her to the hospital.

'Should have just let her rest at home'

I was kinda prepared to lose my job just to take care of her.. I couldn't bear leaving her behind at the ward.. bt had to when my eldest bro insisted that I should go back home first.. So as nt to make her worry abt me.. My 'to and fro' trips to the hospital.. kept me thinking.. That I am not ready to lose my mum.. will never be.. I lost my dad.. Who can I turn to if she's gone? I kept praying that nothing will happen to her.. She's now discharged.. and doing pretty fine.. When she's worried about something... I felt so helpless that I can't ease her worries.. knowing that nothing can be done..

She just turned 56 a couple of days ago.. and counting..

Finally, school holidays are over. Back to 'not seeing them for 1 whole day' days. Decorations are done.. And e kids are now all settled down.. no more crying upon reaching e ctr. hehe..

February is here...

Feb 1, '09 4:21 AM