It could have been work.
It could have been lack of inspiration.
It could have been ... I could not quite put a finger on it though.
The last I wrote was in 2016, wrapping up 2015. And that even, I was 3 months late. The works of a procrastinator. Hehe.
So, let's begin.
I began 2022 with full of hopes. Having to have the tens place upping one number, I was excited yet anxious. Uncertain what it would bring me. I left my job as a student care teacher towards the end of 2021.
At that time, I felt I wasn't given enough chance or opportunity to continue, so I took as it was time for me to stop. Embark on something new. Something more rewarding that aligned with what I want to do with the rest of my life. So I spent my days searching for what do I really want to do. I gave myself a month.
But when February came, I was still clueless. There were opportunities in the same industry, but I weighed in the options, and I realised, I didn't want to be stuck in that kind of rutt again. It may be different companies or management, but the unpleasant 'games' are pretty much the same.
I was being 'pressured' by people around to just grab whatever it is until I figured what I really wanted. But I was just so reluctant. I was just browsing through but never applied or send my resume. I just felt like, "This isn't what I want."
And as I trusted God's plan, I was presented with a rare opportunity.
And alhamdulillah, I landed a job in the education industry with the niche that I have been wanting to get myself involved with. Working with children with special needs. For whatever reasons, I have a super soft spot with these children. Having to work with them, opened up my vision what life is about. As a special needs child, as well as their parents, care givers, families.
I embraced and acknowledged that Allah does test each and every one of us in His ways. With the tests that He presented us in, He doesn't leave us alone. He equipped us with the knowledge, the strength, the drive and anything else that we need. Only thing is, how are we willing to take up the challenges.
How do we face it?
How do we handle it?
How do we get by it?
How do we trust that all these are just not in vain?
It turned me around pretty much.
I was so ever grateful that the previous company denied my request of a transfer that left me deciding to leave. Else, I won't be able to be where I am right now. With the people at work that I truly appreciate. It did feel like I was brought into a different paradigm. Many discoveries that I would not have come across if I chose to stay.
As I was settling down at work, with new experiences, new people, until the fasting month came, and Raya... I realised, I was still grieving.
I was still grieving with my mum's passing. It was the 3rd time that she wasn't around. That feeling of emptiness slowly creeping in. Especially during the fasting month. I struggled pretty bad. There were more difficult days than easy ones. At work, it was just a breeze when handling the kids. Once I was home, it just got harder.
But I understood, that it was the 3rd time, and at times, I was told to get used to it. Well, people didn't exactly say that, but that was what I understood or 'heard' when I shared how I felt time to time. Of course, there were others who said 'nicer' things, but you know, the negative ones tend to stick around much longer. Perhaps it's just me.
It wasn't just my mum. I missed my girl too. I missed having a family to come home to.
I hated the silence that greets me when I come home. I hated that no one waits for me to have dinner. No one waited for me to turn the TV on. No one waited for me to get food. No one waited for me to get the internet up and running. No one waited for me to cook. No one waited for me to make the tea.
And when Raya came, it was another blow.
For the first time since everyone's departure, Raya was to be celebrated with colours, food and meet ups. I was truly dreading it. I just wanted to stay home and do nothing. I didn't even prepare myself for anything. I just lost the essence celebrating it. But I felt like, I should not be selfish. I wouldn't want family to worry about me and question me. Because everyone knows how I like family gatherings with all the food and laughter.
That very morning, I braced myself and took out the dress that mum bought for me. The last things that she got me. Supposedly, it was a matching jubah with her. :) Even while ironing, and with the call of prayer playing, tears just streamed down. Every Raya never fails to bring back that feeling of missing my dad.. and now with mum.. but this time round was slightly more challenging. And so I thought. Until I stepped out of the house, with the different colours of families, painting the streets and buses, I felt like a lump stuck in my throat and tried very hard to hold back my tears. Even after seeing my brothers and their families, that feeling was just not going away. You joined in the fun and laughter, but you know that you are just not there.
This was the first time since the pandemic that we get to be out and about for celebrations. And thinking it isn't the first time for me celebrating on my own anyways, it should not be bad. Little did I know, it was one of the worst feelings ever. You are happy to see people around... but yet you feel so empty inside.
My, this is just the beginning of what's to come... but perhaps, I shall say goodbye now for a bit.
