Happy Tune

Happy tunes playing in the head

By now I should already be in bed

But the heart sings it out in a melancholy mood

And am still wasting time having to brood

The six pc nuggets and all the sauces

I have truly exhaust all resources

Trying to cut down somehow in vain

In time I should be back up again

Just as bad, am still hooked to the nicotine and tar

It doesn't matter that I've got this far

It didn't really matter what I have achieved so far

It didn't quite make sense that I didn't head back to the bar

Season changing

I braved through the storm yesterdayLooking how things could caused so much dismayThe best that could have happenedLosing the trust earnedPlucking the courage to dial that numberAnd got back again to that slumberAmazing mixed feelings have been rememberedAlong the way we could have all embedded

Easy Target

Sometimes I wonder, if I have an invisible mark on my forehead that people can just easily pick on me. Be the butt of the joke.. Like as if I enjoy being a laughing matter.

I am a freaking 30 year old adult and still have to deal with low self esteem just because some ppl just like to shoot words out of their mouth and worse still.. for me to be affected.

In a way or another, I would blame myself for being too sensitive, petty and emotional.

I do wonder though, if my dad was still alive, would this people do the same? Is it because I am single? Is it because my 2 elder brothers aren't protective enough?

From childhood to adolescent years.

And I thought, it stopped there.

Until now, it is still happening.

I very well understand that I can't depend on others to stand up on my own. Even after numerous attempts of being firm on how I prefer to be treated, why do I still get this unwanted attention. At times, I can just walk away laughing. But God knows, how much it hurts inside. And things get ugly when I tried to put my msg across..

But what is it actually?

When will these end?

Stop it already, please.

Resah - Restless

It's funny how simple words when beautifully crafted, put together with a unique melody can actually give one so much hope. 

So much hope and faith that one can hold on so dearly to.

And for one to be naive enough to believe in it.

And funnier how, out of nowhere appears in one's dream.

It could probably been years since I heard it. Waking up to that melody and recalling the words that appeared in the dream was enough for me to hold on to. Was an affirmation that what I felt was true. No one else. No one.

I am. Very restless. The whole wide world can see that I am over it. I am moving on.

Truth is.. I don't know how to start or where to start. I tried means and ways already. But somehow, it still gives me faith.

That there is a future us.

Only time will tell.
I only pray that this restlessness is not for long either. But ony God knows. He knows best. 

Resah 
Di dalam gersang hatiku
Ku merenung dirimu
Hati tersentuh rindu yang dalam tak menentu
Dengarkan kasihku
Getar di jantung ku
Inikah erti, inikah erti resah hatiku

Diriku kan datang kasih
Di hari indah nanti
Kan ku persembahkan bunga di tanganmu
Hatiku berpesan dan merenung kini
Inikah erti, inikah erti rinduku padamu

Aku turut
Aku turut bersamamu
Aku jua
Aku jua ingin bersamamu
Aku ingin
Aku ingin bersamamu nanti jua nanti

Bagaikan hari-hari dulu lagi
In the arid heart
I ponder you
Hearts touched a deep longing uncertain
Hear my love
Vibrating in my heart
Is erties, is this erties restless heart

I'll come to love myself
In the beautiful day later
I dedicate the flower in your hand
My heart told and thoughtfully now
Is erties, is this my erties miss you

I helped
I share with you
I nevertheless
I nevertheless want to be with
I want
I want to be with you no matter later

Days like it used to be
Funny translation!! Hahaha!!
Made my day..

Nights..

02 Nov
GMT 0304

Stop it already.

I did all I could to deviate my thoughts from you.

I deleted your number.

I deleted the messages.

I deleted the blog.

But why do you still keep appearing in my dreams?

I tried to rationalise everything else. Without the dream, I wouldn't have seen you like that.

Why? Bloody why?

I don't want to think of you already. I want to move on already. I want to let go already. I want it to be over already.

But why are you still the one that I think of the moment I open my eyes?

Why does it seem like no one ever can take your place?

Frankly, if you hadn't reacted hot and cold towards me, I would have pretended all is fine.

That we are just friends with no emotional attachments or whatever not.

I am tired already.

Tired.

Oh.. the count has just hit 19. Lol!!

Good night.

1st Nov

GMT 0223

Paintball

I tried something new today.

Something that I never thought I would ever do. Full of action. Speed and accuracy. That is what I had in mind. And of all the things that I was informed of prior to the event, the pain.

The description of pain to be anticipated was endless. Ways to prevent the pain was also shared.

So, I guess, the subconcious mind defined the game as "Painball".

And that was what I received.

A big lump on the left side of the forehead. Wide enough for 3 20 cents coin to cover.

The moment I was hit I felt like turning around and ask who was that! The shock took me more than 2 seconds to recover. And then I was hit again at the back of the head. Twice!

I felt like throwing the marker down and scream in pain. Too bad for me.. all were too consumed with the game that no one heard my pleas that I didn't want to continue no more. I was in shock that I left the field with the marker uncovered, pointing upwards in the direction of my chin. And that could probably at least 3 minutes when I was last hit.

Sat under the shelter.

"Is this what I am excited for? How much more pain can I take?" Lingering in my head.

Then we were in again.

I felt like I couldn't move at all and stayed at the safe area where the starting point is. Until the game ended. Of course.. Bullets were still aplenty and I wasn't hit at all.
So I was determined to finish up the pellets.
One of the opponents caught me by surprise when he had 2 markers with him and he stood up to shoot them right back at us in the quest of covering his team mate. I very much envy the courage!

And of course, the other team won.

Whether the fear exists or not.. you will get hurt anyway. So why not face it, get hurt, try again and achieve your goal.

A life valuable lesson that I learnt from this game.

When you are afraid to face your challenges ahead of you, the only result you get is defeat.
You chose to be in the game.

Great experience and an eye opener for me. Something that I need in my life at this point of time.

And yes.. more paintball games to come. And this time.. let's paint the town red, yellow and green!

=D

Back to me

I've decided to close the chapter about you.

I've decided to move on.

I've concluded that it was just a phase. It was just a long dream that was presented in my slumber.

A long one. A gifted one.

Dreams, for that matter. One after the other. Like I've mentioned before.

Thank you for the experience. It was surreal as it lasted.

Like any other dreams, I will wake up from them and face my reality. With or without you.

Maybe it was supposed to be 'Goodbye'. Because anything else would be confuse.

Then again, if we do happen to cross paths.. In the near or distant future, maybe I will not let you be the one that got away.

Happy advance birthday! In 3 weeks' time.. Haha..

I wish you happiness and may you find what you've been searching for.

Life is full of surprises indeed. 

The Explorer ..

So I guess..

I have gotten that the map that you once mentioned that we both should get.

The destination I have is still you.

But the paths seem vague and unclear of what's to come.

However, I think it's clearer now. Much clearer. Maybe instead of getting me to you, maybe I should redraw it and have you to me instead? Better?

Oh well.. that is why they say enjoy the journey. I will definitely enjoy mine.

See you in the future!

=D

Point of View - 2

09 Aug 2007

As much as I am falling for u now
For years to come will it stay e same?
As much as U adore me now
In e future will u be calling me names?

The sparks are flying now
And soon the flames will die
When it does, will your love be gone
And praying it'll die too?

For so much is done..
For so much is said..
Watching e sun..
Shining brightly red..

Will u keep trying or will u admit its dying?
And as u hold ma hands n watch it going..
And when the time is up.. U will tell me ur leaving..
Wifout e effort of having it rekindling..

For a moment or two..
I'd like to trade shoes wif u..
Trying so hard to see ur point of view..
The reasons that kept u blue..

I can't promise u I'll still b e same..
But do not force me to change ma name..
For I am whom u met yesterday..
With lessons learnt day by day..

If its confusing u..
I'm confused even more..
Waiting for e time due..
Still finding wats e core..

I wish to put my head to sleep now..
Bt my mind is so wide awake..
Forcing maself to sleep somehow..
N tmrw I'll sure b late..

AGAIN!!

Hehe.. 

This piece was written 5 years ago. Damn.. I really want this back. As in my flair in writing describing what I feel from my observations. Have I really lost it?

On another note.. I am still skeptic of this thing called love. Because I never want to go back to where I've been before.. Like how I described it above.

But the irony of it, I want to experience it somehow.

It's been too long..

"Hadirmu menyempurnakan aku"

Finding that one who fits in perfectly, is definitely like playing the Kiko Match at the most difficult level.. If it was that simple.

"I wished to be swept off my feet and fall for you deeply .. Every day.." 
No wonder I am labelled as a Fantasizer. Because I want my life to be written like a fairy tale. Then again, it's not ended yet. So my Happily Ever After has yet to be found.

Life is full of surprises. And funny how.. bizarre things happen when you least expect them. Either you embrace or resist them. Experience it is.. Whether good or bad. You live in it. You learn from it.

So, I was given a chance to experience that moment where you feel like a princess. A bit too late for me to be experiencing it.. But it is beautiful somehow.

Confused as ever.

Of course. It has been written who I will be with. Or not.

"Still dreaming .. "

I really don't know what's with me and dreams..

Last night.. Saw the ex..

He came to apologize to mum.. And promise he won't hurt again n sorts.. But when he is right with me.. He was even meaner than before..

Then.. I saw Aaron.. He too came back to apologise.. n he reasoned out why he didn't 'keep his promise'.. He put on weight though.. Well.. We tried to work it out.. But along the way.. It didn't happen again..

Next.. A cousin, married with 3 kids in real life, got divorced and proposed to me. It didn't give me that incest feeling though. More like, i felt protected and secured with him. I felt like he truly cares for me. And one of the things he mentioned was like something about our family knowing each other.

Aissh..

On another note.. Ramadhan is leaving really fast. And it's the first Ramadhan that I am not able to perform or get the benefits of the last 10 nights of it. Upset.


Then again.. if others look forward to sleep to rest.. I guess in my case.. I sleep to dream.. =D

And I got to know that Aden was with my brothers last night..
Aiyoh!!

Turning 30

27 Aug 

I had an early celebration with peeps at work as I was on leave today.

Chocolate Cake from Prima Deli. My 1st cake since 2007! Hehe..

So.. Looking at the dream list.. What have I achieved so far? 

To be looking at my profile and have that info page staring back at me with the digit 3 in the tens place.

They say 30 is the new 20, no? Haha.. Well.. It feels like I am only turning 24.. Now.. that sounds better..

I am not sure what I am looking forward to right now.

I guess.. I am still not done fixing myself.

Giving it time.. I will be up and running!! 

Ok.. maybe first.. I need to know what I want eventually in the next 5 years. The mental list exists.. but it kinda get scary to make it known to the world.

Hu hu hu..

Happy '24th' birthday to me! 


Aaron.. So I am 30 now.. N u r nowhere to be found. Maybe ur waiting for the '30th'? It's ok.. I have moved on from you. I just wish u all e best.. N better than best for myself.. 

29 Aug

Planned a surprise visit with the pri sch mates to my sick cuzz, Zahid.

Little did I know, my childhood friend had her plans up her sleeves after the visit. They insisted that I went to dinner with them. And while we were settling down at the makan place, one of them actually got the birthday cake!! My 2nd birthday cake!! 

Blackforest Ice Cream Cake from Swensens'!! My first ice cream cake!!

31 Aug

I was reluctant at first with the invitation. But I didn't want to disappoint my good buddy, Raz. So I actually dressed up for the occassion. Work kind of spoilt the mood a little bit.

Eventually.. when we were there.. the mood changes. We were celebrating Imee's bday as well as hers was 2 days before mine.

And there I got my 3rd birthday 'cake'!

It's Fruit Tart!! A huge one! And I've never enjoyed a fruit tart like this before.. 



So that marks the big 3!! 

2:10 AM

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20 years on ..

0045hrs @ WLC

This could be my last night here. And I am still not done with the packing.

My heart isn't heavy to leave. But it isn't too eager to move either.

Came to a point, I guess I shifted too frequent. That it's not that exciting anymore.

Looking back, I am moving to the 5th office in a span of about 5 years. Wow.. An average of 1 office per year. I don't know anyone that moves this fast. Well at least, I am grateful that I still have a job. It may not be the greatest thing for one to be doing in the long run. But I know it pays my bills. And others' too. :)

Today, marks the 20th anniversary for Ayah's passing.

I still always feel and wonder how could life be should he still be around.

This morning, I asked Mak, if they ever talked about me when he was still around. As in, his expectations and all. Did they ever discussed what is it like when I grow up. Mak said no. One of the remarkable comments he had was, he would definitely send me for higher learning. As compared to my brothers, I was the most outspoken one. I was not afraid of making mistakes. I wasn't afraid of being laughed at.

Ayah,
Rasanya, Hah masih belum kecapi apa yang Ayah mahu.
Hah rindu Ayah. Amat merindui. 

You

When the time comes.. to him I shall vow to stay true.
When the time comes.. to him I shall bear the glory and blue
When the time comes.. to him I shall share a secret or two
When the time comes.. I will find out if it's truly you..
=D

Reunion Aftermath

It was nice to know that things were all in place.. =D

Reminder to self: I don't need any1 to validate my existence. If they can't appreciate my presence.. It's a 2 way thing babe.. So do I. =D

Reunion

It felt like I was shifted to a different paradigm.
Reconnecting with friends I knew since 7. Some even younger. How time flies. And we'll be meeting up for the first time after almost 18 years.

Primary school life was traumatising for me. The loss of my dad. The experience of being left out and laughed at. I guess, at one point most of us go through that. It didn't really make me a stronger person. Was helping me to identify and be careful of the friends that I got aquainted with in my teenage life.

Somehow, in primary school, you don't really get to choose who you want to be friends with.

But then again, the thought of meeting all after all these years, get me excited to see how they are doing. Not really to compare. It's not as if I achieved something great to be bragged about.

Oh well, we'll see how it goes on the 18th. =D

Reminder: Too many things..

So..It's been 2 years? 

Haha..
So much for me to keep an online diary. A daily one.

Well, with every new year, you get to gather that energy and motivation to start things afresh. But have you wondered.. Why need to wait a whole year to get things started?

So that it can be tracked easily?

Doesn't sound rational to me though. Oh.. nevermind that.

A lot of things have been on my mind. Like A LOT!

I am one person who sometimes question things a lot.. to myself.

It's not as if I have the answers to all.. If I was blessed with that much of a wisdom, I wouldn't be asking too many questions now, would I?

I shall mark this as my "To Blog List"

1. How the 4 years in the same company have changed my life so far.
2. The Dreams - Achieved and Unrealised
3. Happily Ever After doesn't quite come easy - at least not for me.
4. 5 Years down the road.
5. Counting down to my 30th birthday
6. Human Relationships - that should be part of 1.
7. Ayah
8. My family
9. Others' struggles
10. Faith - is it strong enough?

Ok.. at this moment.. These shall be it.. =D
Night all..