"Obliviate"

Shutting my tired eyes
To retire for the day
Then came along the lies

And held on just so you stay

The truth that never was shared
Insecurities holding me back
And all I ever cared
I was turning to an insomniac

Many times I would have known
That in no time you'd be gone

But I had my hopes up high this time
Too high I couldn't find a rhyme

If you took me as a lady
I wasn't that easy to read
If you said you weren't ready
Then why the hell did you lead

It was easy to say sorry
And leave behind the hurt
It was done, quite in a hurry
Your replies were just curt

As for now I am always reminded
For the little things you said
With that, I am left stranded
The thoughts still stuck in my head

As much as it still hurts now
I know, in time to come I'd be just fine
Just unsure what, where or how
To begin with, you were never mine

- And that is what, people, expectations can lead you to..
So lessons learnt for me....

1. It is better to play the game too. I got all too guarded and careful, thinking it'd work this time. But obviously, it backfired. And I am still being hard on myself. Ok, no.. I shouldn't. 

2. So they say, just be yourself. But only to a certain degree.. How confusing is that?

3. And this is the very reason why... I stopped trying the last time...

I am just tired of falling without being caught...

"Fall of a bridge, it hurts less."
To a certain extent... it is kinda true... ;-)

The Intended Closure

How is it going on for you?

I pretty much am trying my best to accept that it is all over in a jiffy.

I still pretty much question myself where did I go wrong. No doubt, I have concluded too that there was more than just you are not ready. I am just not the type that you wanted.

Don't get me wrong. I am not putting any blame on you. I am just doing this for my own sake. For my closure so that I can move on already. Cos it pretty much hurtful to be reminded of you all the time. To a point, I think I know your routine more than I know mine.

Was I falling for you already? Not quite. Because my idea of being in love is going through thick and thin together, knowing the good and bad and still love the same.

Was I attracted to you? Pretty much. Like I told you before, I don't quite say nice or positive things more than the opposite. In a lot of ways, we were pretty much similar, only that I didn't tell you so.

One of the things that I was mad about, was that, it felt like an insult. Despite all that you've shared, telling me you are not ready.. it is in fact unfair. It was indeed easy to say sorry, but I am the one having to go through this.

However, I have to thank you as you came clean with me early.

Will I ever have the courage to tell you all this? I doubt I will. Maybe, one day I will look back and laugh at it. And maybe one day too, I will still wonder what went wrong. 

And that much of self talk I needed to send you that text last night. And I had to lie I was doing good. And I was just dumbfounded that I didn't know what to say next. To a certain degree, I hoped that you would just ignore the first text. So I could just move on already. But then again, I think you are just being polite.

And it's been 24 hours since you were last online. 

Deep down, I hope we are still given a second chance. To rebuild the friendship first before we decide on anything. 

And tonight, this shall be my lullaby.. 

GMT 12:28 

09 April 2014