I'm Done

And I guess, I am about done looking for love.
10 years on..
I'd thought I'd find love in no time.
Boy, was I so wrong.

And this fragile heart is going through a somewhat heartbreak episode again.

When does this end?

And I keep attracting the wrong kind of attention.

Which I had enough of. Somehow, Celine's All by myself 3seemed to be the best soundtrack for now.

But I'm ok and always will be. In fact, I don't seem to find time even for myself now. So what more to love another? Because it requires more than just time to be in love. Or does it?

As I flipped the pages, I am reminded how I came out stronger every time. Every single time. And at times, I want to believe that I am the strongest woman left. Alongside with my single comrades who have to experience the harsh world of dating and singlehood.

Sick. And. Tired.

On the contrary, the tiniest hope still buried underneath it all.
"O love, where art thou?"

Wrecked

In the wee hours, I closed my eyes and sink in to the melancholy thoughts.
Again.

Reminded of you.
Again.

Oblivious to the physical world, I took the trouble to explore the other side.
In it, I saw you.

Detaching from reality, word for word.
In it, I felt you.

How beautiful are the dreams.
Haunting every corner of the mind at ease.
Initiating the graceful steps to the fall.
Only to realise the agony of what ifs.

I hope to see you again somehow.
In peace.
With hope.
In ease.
With love.

Starting Over

Starting over is never easy.
Calling it quits takes guts.
Leaving everything behind to start a new.
Getting accustomed to new environment, lifestyle is not something that anyone can do without much difficulty.

No more familiar faces or places or things. It was as if you entered a different dimension and time stood still. Truth is, time is still ticking without waiting for anything or anyone. It isn't as if you can have it rewound to where you last left off.

Whatever it may be.

6 months ago, I'd never imagine that I'd be in this situation.

Being forced to leave.
Being forced to decide.
But it taught me more things than one. Things that I can never imagine.

And it is one of the reminders that nothing is permanent. Absolutely nothing. Except One.

They said, if I don't like where I am.. Move.. because I'm not a tree. And so I did. Happy about the decision? For a reason, I know I am a human being, but I am forced to learn the fact that change is definitely constant. So we should embrace it. For our own good. Once you get complacent, that is when life stops. And you are just moving in motion without direction. 

Ultimately, what is it that you are after?

And there will be a time that you need to readjust to the new home, work, environment, people and so on in the future.

"Press 'Play'."

Get a life!

After more than a year, I braved myself to type that name in the search box.

I saved the number in the contacts. 

I listened to the songs saved under his initials. 

And it all feel, look and sound familiar. 

Too familiar. 

No one can take away what I felt or went through at that point of time. 

Delusional. I was. Very. I got lost countless times. 

And in the attempts of picking myself up, I kept losing it every time. 

In that very long slumber that I was put through, alongside with the multiple coincidences, I was woken up by the harsh words. 

I don't know if I can ever feel like that for someone the way I did. It was extraordinary. 

Delusional as it may seemed, it was a pain that no one could understand or believe. Not even you, when you blatantly replied it was all nonsense crap.

However, I would never ask for something else in exchange for that beautiful pain I was put through. 

And to realise, there is just something that I can never let go of it. Just yet. 

Definitely, time will tell. 

And thank you for telling me to get a life. 

;)

A Note for the Future Self

To feed my hungry soul, I seek attention from the masses.
Little did I know, I got even emptier.
Only then I realised, the road less travelled was even more filling and fulfilling.
And that is why they said, it's not gonna be easy, but it will all be worth it.

Not a second sooner or later.

It'll be there just when you need it.

"Obliviate"

Shutting my tired eyes
To retire for the day
Then came along the lies

And held on just so you stay

The truth that never was shared
Insecurities holding me back
And all I ever cared
I was turning to an insomniac

Many times I would have known
That in no time you'd be gone

But I had my hopes up high this time
Too high I couldn't find a rhyme

If you took me as a lady
I wasn't that easy to read
If you said you weren't ready
Then why the hell did you lead

It was easy to say sorry
And leave behind the hurt
It was done, quite in a hurry
Your replies were just curt

As for now I am always reminded
For the little things you said
With that, I am left stranded
The thoughts still stuck in my head

As much as it still hurts now
I know, in time to come I'd be just fine
Just unsure what, where or how
To begin with, you were never mine

- And that is what, people, expectations can lead you to..
So lessons learnt for me....

1. It is better to play the game too. I got all too guarded and careful, thinking it'd work this time. But obviously, it backfired. And I am still being hard on myself. Ok, no.. I shouldn't. 

2. So they say, just be yourself. But only to a certain degree.. How confusing is that?

3. And this is the very reason why... I stopped trying the last time...

I am just tired of falling without being caught...

"Fall of a bridge, it hurts less."
To a certain extent... it is kinda true... ;-)

The Intended Closure

How is it going on for you?

I pretty much am trying my best to accept that it is all over in a jiffy.

I still pretty much question myself where did I go wrong. No doubt, I have concluded too that there was more than just you are not ready. I am just not the type that you wanted.

Don't get me wrong. I am not putting any blame on you. I am just doing this for my own sake. For my closure so that I can move on already. Cos it pretty much hurtful to be reminded of you all the time. To a point, I think I know your routine more than I know mine.

Was I falling for you already? Not quite. Because my idea of being in love is going through thick and thin together, knowing the good and bad and still love the same.

Was I attracted to you? Pretty much. Like I told you before, I don't quite say nice or positive things more than the opposite. In a lot of ways, we were pretty much similar, only that I didn't tell you so.

One of the things that I was mad about, was that, it felt like an insult. Despite all that you've shared, telling me you are not ready.. it is in fact unfair. It was indeed easy to say sorry, but I am the one having to go through this.

However, I have to thank you as you came clean with me early.

Will I ever have the courage to tell you all this? I doubt I will. Maybe, one day I will look back and laugh at it. And maybe one day too, I will still wonder what went wrong. 

And that much of self talk I needed to send you that text last night. And I had to lie I was doing good. And I was just dumbfounded that I didn't know what to say next. To a certain degree, I hoped that you would just ignore the first text. So I could just move on already. But then again, I think you are just being polite.

And it's been 24 hours since you were last online. 

Deep down, I hope we are still given a second chance. To rebuild the friendship first before we decide on anything. 

And tonight, this shall be my lullaby.. 

GMT 12:28 

09 April 2014

Hectic February

The packing is only 80% done and the move out in 2 days' time!
Mum was rushed to hospital a couple of times and running to the hospital for the follow up appointments and whatever nots. And I got the letter for the new house and had to made the deposit in within a week! Only short of a few weeks, I was told I will be redeployed to a new centre.

Talking about mentally prepared.

And as I was packing and clearing stuffs away.. memories, bit by bit came right in front of my eyes. How I first chose the furniture, how excited when unpacking was finally done, how that private space of mine became the witness of many tears being shed and the same heart got broken, how the walls hear the cries and laughters of the hopeless romantic. Sadly, there were many painful memories than happy ones. On the bright side, I strived to be a better person.

A better person.
A better daughter.
A better friend.
A better sister.

I left Woodlands with a new hope of starting a new.

New dreams.
New hopes.
New plans.
New environment.

A chapter in my life just ended.
Moving on..

As I will spend 1 last night tomorrow, I will try my best to leave behind the negativity and put my best foot forward to embrace the future with optimism.

Good bye 03-45...
For you have served me well in the initial stage of my adulthood.

On second thoughts, I'll still be seeing you till prolly the mid month.. =D

Farewell 2013

As the clock struck 12, fireworks can be heard from my room. 2013 is gone. And hello 2014! :)

I maybe a few minutes late... But as per my annual practice, I will wrap up the events for the past year.

After 2012, I guess, all I wanted was just to right the wrongs that I tried too hard and too fast, that caused me to go crumble in a speed that I couldn't even catch up with myself. With 2013 barely started, things were going downhill for me in a lot of things. So many things happened so quickly and bad, that at some points, I just want to give up and die. I didn't know where, who to run to. I was so lost, that I couldn't find myself  any more. I questioned myself a lot of times, if what I was doing was the best. But for who?

There were days in 2013, when I looked back how things were in 2012, I couldn't recognise who I was. In a bid of trying to get over a heartbreak. 2013, the dating scene took a break. I wasn't interested any more. They said, you just have to take a leap of faith. I did but I ended up being hurt. It hurt so bad that I don't think I am ready to go back to the scene again. Not for now still. I guess, that what God has planned for me knowing that I'd be struggling with work, He protected me from being hurt. :)

This year, I was tested in the career department. It was really a roller coaster ride. And it ended on a bad note, with the recent incident. I cannot take back my words no matter how much I regret them. Though I tried to justified my actions, it was never right. I can only seek forgiveness. Trust was really an issue. That I wasn't sure who I can trust any more. And it wasn't anyone's fault but mine. For putting the trust and faith easily. And gossips, they are never healthy to start with. And of course it spiralled out of hand. Out of my control. And knowing too much just hurt me most in the end. And I guess what they said was true, only through tough times, you discover people behind those masks.

Friendships have always been dear to me. Unfortunately, I have to 'bid goodbye' to some friends that I just call them acquaintance now. And I am very careful now in knowing who my real friends really are. The ones that stood by me, true to me. And these friends know that I offer my utmost sincerity in my friendship to them.

That darkest episode where the matters of the heart, friendship and work problem just happened in within days of each other.

I was in pain. I felt like dying. For a brief moment, I felt like a character in a novel of some sappy chapter. And all I wanted was to turn the page over so that the sufferings would end. However, it didn't quite come true. Not yet. Well, this is REAL life.

I had to face the problems.
I had to face the consequence.
I had to face the people.
I had to face it all.

And I survived.

Mum's health contributed a whole lot of downs. However, I don't want to recall or go back to where it was again. Alhamdulillah, she is in a much better condition. And I pray she stays that way and better.

Finally, I will be moving out of Woodlands. The place that I call home for 9 years. With that came the issue of moving out with Mum. Suddenly, all these things about settling down and getting my own flat, became a new big concern. The price of houses in Singapore are just outrageous. Just how do I support myself and Mum to put the roofs over our heads? In time to come, I will deal with it. For now, I am just going with the flow.

Overall, 2013 had taught me to accept changes. Good or bad. The experience in 2013 taught me to be more resilient in handling matters at work. To listen more. To give more.

And most importantly, to have more faith in what God has already planned for me.

Because only He knows what is best for me.