A year to remember....
For the first time, mum had to be hospitalised. I was constantly worried for her health. In and out of the hospital. The thought of losing her frequented me a lot. It was unimaginable. I cried most nights to sleep. I was never ever ready to lose her. But looking at her suffering.. hurt me as much. I slept by her side. To keep her accompany.
Like a mum, staying by her sick child. To be there when she opens her eyes. There were times when she would just wake up in the middle of the night. And like a small child, she would ask for a cup of water or milk. At times, she would just throw tantrums and scolded me for nothing. In the middle of the night. Those times, I felt scared. I once heard that when someone is about to die, they'd behave oddly. I was scared. And I kept praying that God would make things better for mum.
I thought of how unfilial, irresponsible, rude, and all the negative attributes of a daughter. So much of me saying "I love my mum" all these years, what have I done to make her happy? All those times that I took things for granted. Letting her doing the housework and only lent a hand when she truly needed it. And how I get mad cause she didn't cook food when I got home, hungry. Or when she cooked sumthing that I don't eat. And at times, I could be so mean, that I would not talk to her. And when things go wrong at work, I could vent my anger on her. And blamed her for the things that I've not achieved as if it was her fault.
Damn. I felt, there's no amount of deed I can do to make up for all the wrongdoings I've done to her.
Alhamdulillah... In a span of 3 months, mum was getting much better. And I could see her starting to smile and talk and laugh like before. I was relieved. Thank God.
So much to say abt mum's condition, at the back of my mind, I know everyone will die. But I just am not ready. I guess, none of us are, were never ready with loved ones' departure.
Workwise, it was a challenging year. Assuming new responsibilities. Meeting different people. Different characters. I guess, it depends on one on how you perceive challenges. Talking a child to eating her vegetables can be troublesome and time wasting but looking at her eating them can be a challenge overcame.
With so many breakups that happened around me, I began to feel skeptical abt relationships. 'Love' began to have a new definition for me. And I started to see 'Love' as a huge commitment that I am not sure if I am even ready for it, let alone 'Marriage'. Like they say, to fall in love is one thing, to stay in love is another. To get married is one thing, to stay married is totally another different story.
A lost love was rekindled. But will just let time tell.
Somehow, I still believe in 'Happily Ever After' even after those grey episodes that filled up my 'love story'. Not totally grey though, a mixture of white and blue. And rainbow colours too. =D
Oh yes....... For the first time, I met my idol.. Not once, but twice. And the things I do to see him. Not just to see him, but was able to engage in a conversation while smoking.. Hehehehehehe...
Ok.. I guess.. That's a wrap for 2009.
2010
So many things to be achieved. Work.. Family.. Rship..
But the main thing is, I want to put into practice what I've learnt from 2009. Learning to let go of those unimportant issues. And work out on those that need my attention... =D
Things will always get better and they always will.
Love to give.. Happiness to share... And I shall embrace 2010 with optimism..
See ya ... ... ...
Dec 31, '09 9:04 PM
