Bye-bye Baby

I remembered, it was just after midnight. 

I was experiencing excruciating, intense pain and cramps. 

My baby was gone. And I could not keep it more for long. I felt the waterbag broke. I rushed to the toilet and was expecting blood. But instead, it was just clear water, soaking the pad. There was tiny, weeny hope that I could see my baby... alive. 

But I was reminded, that the scans, earlier in the day, indicated that baby had no heartbeat. 

I waited for a bit. And the pain got worse. Sitting on the toilet, then I felt a blob came out. I could only see blood. 

I wanted to see my baby. 

In that painful moment, I squatted by the toilet. Hands hanging on to the side of the sink. I felt the pain again. More blood now on the toilet floor. 

The cramp came in again. This time, when I looked, I saw my baby. Without the sac. It must have burst before coming out. I picked my baby up with my cold, shivering fingers. But it got too slippery. I felt how desperate I was trying to 'hold it'. I stroked my baby for awhile. I saw the little hands about to form. And what looked like small legs. If only I could kiss you goodbye. 

My heart broke a million times. My tears rolled down uncontrollably. 

A year later, I now understand, why you had to go, my baby. 

Thank you for the experience.