Sesal Separuh Nyawa

I had a habit of calling home when I am outside. 

Even when back then in secondary school days. 

I will stop by the phone booth. I would tell Mak I am coming home.. or asked her what was she cooking, what was she doing etc. At times, I would share snippets of what happened in school.. and would continue when I reached home. 

I tend to tell Mak a lot of things. 

Working days likewise, I'd call her and asked the same things and shared the same stuff. These times, I would ask her what she had for her meal.. "Dah inject belum?" - after she had to do the insulin injections etc. 

During lunch breaks.. heading home.. Even after I got married. 

Sometimes, if she was in the midst of doing her chores, she would tell me.. "Alah... tak payah lah nak teipon². Nanti balik boleh bilang. Dah² .. mak nak (continue whatever she was doing)."

After her passing, and when I started working again... there were moments, when heading back home, I would feel so loss... cos I can't call home anymore. I can't hear her answer the phone anymore. I can't tell her things anymore. I can't tell her how my days were anymore.  can't tell her how upset I am that I want to quit my job. I can't tell her I saw my crush. I can't tell her how angry I was at this colleague of mine.  I can't tell her I did great atnwork anymore. 

Most importantly, I can't hear her telling me anymore "Dah..takpe.. Mak doakan .."

For a couple of months after that, I turned to my aunts instead. Both paternal and maternal aunts. 

Just so that, I can speak to a mother. 

"...Mana harus kuhamparkan?

Rindu tiada kesudahan

Sesal biar separuh nyawa

Takkan hilang..."

Sesal Separuh Nyawa was one of her favourites.. and she would always say, "Ni untuk Ayah lah..".