I Shall Learn

"... "I seeked the wrong reaction from what the other party has to offer." ...And that's when I realised, my aim shouldnt be about anyone else.. But myself..."

When will I learn?? Why do I put maself in so much responsibilities..that am paralysing maself? What is it that I really want?? What kinda happiness am I actually seeking? What is e satisfaction am I looking for? Why am I trying hard to save others from their miseries?

What..or rather..WHO am I trying to be? Superwoman? Its not in ma ambitions' list. So what is it?

Why when someone is feeling down, not happy, upset and all other negatives..why do I feel responsible towards it??

I am tired of caring others' feelings n let ma own neglected..Unconsiously, am hurting maself. Did I let em do dat? Or am I destined to be going thru it time n again?

Why do I feel am not doing enuf..when I'm TOTALLY out of control of e situation?

Why do I wanna be there..Catch every tear u shed..be that shoulder for u to lean..Why??

Am I being too independent..or the other way round?

But based on what??

I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL AFFECTED!! AM TIRED!! N I am well aware that u didn't ask me to in e first place..Tell ME HOW??

When I feel I can't accomplish..I left. Bt hw many times shall I leave? I dun leave e friendship..bt e gd books I was initially in..

Ma self-esteem was reduced to bits each n every time I have to go thru these!! N its not fun anymore!!

Teach me how do I pull thru..BY MASELF!!

If I claimed dat I cared so much for ma fren..why am I reduced to these? Who is e dependant one..Is it me?

Overeacting again..And I am soooo damn tired to be going thru this..Tell me to stand up when ur just down..

If I wld cry for u..can u not luff at me? I'm ur friend..

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Am thankful this is happening. I figured out, I was being sensitive..over-sensitive. Those primary school friends could relate to this probably. I dun want to be hurt..N I dun want to hurt either..But when I do..I just do it once..I shall get maself figured out at e mmt. Lemme do sumthing ur always doing. Whether ur concerned..will just tell me hw much I really mean to u..N I shall not be disturbed whatever the consequences maybe..

If u think no one pacified u..NO ONE did likewise to me either. If u think u did..it was kinda bring me down..

I am so negative dat I can't hear e gd things coming in.

STOP!!

I learnt so many things thruout..I shld start sumwhere..

Prolly HERE. Right NOW.

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Ya Allah,

Berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk melalui segala dugaan. Berikanlah aku keredhaan agar aku akur dengan takdir MU. Berikanlah aku kepercayaan diri pada pada hambaMU ini. Berikanlah aku ketenangan.

Berikanlah aku kemudahan bagi tiap-tiap yang payah. Sesungguhnya, tiap-tiap yang payah itu teramat mudah bagiMU.

Friday, November 24, 2006 at 02:41 AM in In Within Me